02-02-2015, 11:18 PM
Um, yeah. This one befuddles me, dear tom. I like the idea of it, but in general you've fallen into the old simple end rhyme game--every single one is predictable.
blood has stained you, flame has burned you---really? Do I need to get out my cliche hose?
and yet the following words "smoke has raked your infant breath" is one of the most stunning in this piece. How do I get that Tec to write the rest?
L2 was awkward for me rhythmically, but that could just be me.
Curse me when I still your brothers... but it is war I try to kill. <
something ain't right but I don't know how to fix it without knowing your intentions.
You know I love your writing and I rarely criticize but this one needs some work, dear. I'm certainly not the person to tell you what it needs though.
Love ya,
mel.
blood has stained you, flame has burned you---really? Do I need to get out my cliche hose?
and yet the following words "smoke has raked your infant breath" is one of the most stunning in this piece. How do I get that Tec to write the rest?
L2 was awkward for me rhythmically, but that could just be me.
Curse me when I still your brothers... but it is war I try to kill. <
something ain't right but I don't know how to fix it without knowing your intentions.
You know I love your writing and I rarely criticize but this one needs some work, dear. I'm certainly not the person to tell you what it needs though.
Love ya,
mel.