< homeland >

[Erthona]

Ray I think your short abrupt lines can be effective in some instances. In this poem, not so much as it does not fit the tone of the story, nor probably the speech of the people in the story. People in warmer climates tend to have slower speech and take longer to say things, were as people in the North or in large cities have shorter patterns. In the warmer climates people are not in a rush because they do not wish to become overheated; in cooler climates and in big cities they are more in a rush either because it is a business climate - time is money - or they just want to get out of the cold. So for me personally the short choppy lines do not fit the environment. I have used this same technique myself many times, but I do not think it is appropriate for all situations. It could be your "thing" to use King James English in everything you write, but as I think you can see it would not really work to do so all the time. except for metaphor I don't see any literary technique to be something one would use all the time without regard to the content.
I do like the story and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded. As "albatross" has specific connotation in English literature and especially poetry, it would be nice to see that theme expanded on. Also, as the environment is unique, it would be nice to see that explored a little more.

Just my thoughts
nothing solid
tangible
or otherwise

Dale