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[onepapa]

Any feedback is welcome and much appreciated!




Long before scattered pages and cracked memories
made their home in these heart-houses,
there was a placed we each lived,
tattered and old, yet familiar.
Before long it became a distant place, unreachable.


Suddenly, in the midst of hurling tides that rattled my core,
I washed upon your shores like a drunken boat at sea,
my livelihood became a mirror of what it was before

Maybe this fate was written for us,
two perfect players whose webs intertwine like constellations;
This illuminance casts shadows over ever lonely corner.

Maybe we are to be blinded to all
but the universe reflected in the other's gaze.

Surely you were cast upon me
with wicked spells of infatuation
to grace me with heartstrings trailing behind me,
and if I fall they catch me. cradle me, create home for me.

This life has been blessed with your delicate soul,
your fire-glazed passions,
your winged mind that reaches the brim of humanity and returns unscathed.

Your radiating love compels me,
I finally return to that tattered home
with a guiding soul beside me.

Shy,

Here are a few comments.

The number of lines in each stanza are erratic and that tends to throw the reader off. You would be better served to use the same number of lines or a pattern of different numbers of lines. This is 5/3/3/2/4/3/3.

There is a typo in line 3 of S1. At least I hope it is a typo. You need to seriously proofread before you post.

The punctuation is erratic. You omit periods and commas in obvious places and this should be an easy fix.

You should strive to avoid using clichés like "rattled my core", "washed upon your shores" and "fate was written". You don't need to avoid them entirely as sometimes nothing else will work but it is worth the effort to find new and better ways to say what you mean.

You picked a very tough subject that new poets often crash upon. Keep writing and working.

onepapa