Canned Father (edit2)
#3
(01-30-2015, 03:39 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  
(01-30-2015, 12:44 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Canned Father

You consumed canned doppelgangers
of vegetative forms, mushy zombies 'vegetative forms' makes me think of people in comas. Maybe be plain and say 'real vegetables' or 'fresh' ? I know it pre-figures the end, but I don't know as that's bad.
that you made me swallow,
sodden specters of daunting childhood
recollections that I vomit up
now and then.

Thirty years later, Mom told me
you were sorry Dad, but I saw your peas,
clad in olive green army fatigues,
and shuddered at the ensuing combat. I never played soldier with my peas, but I got it.
It didn't matter that you were a war hero
who faced dispiriting Panzers,
liberated Jews from Natzwiller,
subsisted on k-rations for months.

As demoralizing as your
Battle of the Bulge,
the dinnertime Vietnam War
News or newfangled MREs, This is confusing, I cant' tell if it is a separate phrase as indicated by the line break. Maybe a comma after 'News'?.
were your baked beans. Dodgy,
whether canned or jarred, Don't need both 'canned' and 'jarred'. Seems like it's just there to fill out the line.
staining napkins burnt sienna,
your skin color late summer, I don't know what color late summer is. The color is already established (image-wise) as the same color as the baked beans. Maybe use a texture word?
slathered with baby oil and iodine
like a bronze war memorial,
burnished and unpalatable.

I cried over beans Dad, I'd rather hear 'the beans' for the sake of rhythm.
dreaded your Lima's Not sure about the capitalization here.
sandbagging my chops. this might be US slang, but I thought at first 'chops' referred to your jaws, not chops on your plate. Maybe add 'pork' or 'lamb' to 'chops' ?
They were skin-tough and bloated,
like peas in absurd disguise. Carbuncles
removed from botanical behemoths Not sure about 'behemoths'.
that burst with a squirt
of gangrenous puss. I lanced Yuck! love it. 'Pus' only has one 's'.
them with my incisors,
gagged on their waxy cuticles.

Dad, I am not sorry
for loving fresh vegetables
and refusing to go to Dental School,
but I think of you often
since you have passed-

even if forever reminded
of scary canned things.
Hey Leah, thanks so much for sharing your time and acumen on this one.

I suppose that I can try 'vegetables' for 'vegetative,' but you are right in that
I was alluding to my Dad's death.

Every meal with those awful canned legumes was a battle for me! I think my Dad
liked them because he ate out of cans during the War. But, why force them on us,
why weren't fresh vegetables a viable substitute? These are questions that I never
asked him. I did serve him only fresh vegetables whenever he came to my house! Big Grin

I want that break on 'War' but I am glad that a comma can
fix your problem with the line.

I wanted 'canned or jarred' for two reasons: they come in
both and being forced to eat them was absolutely 'jarring'.' It is not filler.
I will consider dropping one maybe.

It's his skin that is burnt sienna in/by late summer because of his deep tan.
I shall insert one of those two prepositions (in/by) for clarity. I need that
reference to his tan.

I had 'lima's' but it looked odd. 'Lima's' may be OK, since they are named 'after 'Lima, Peru.'
I will take another look. I do like 'lamb'-ing those chops though. It paints the
vulnerable child better.

Don't you like the alliteration of botanical bohemoths? I had monsters originally.

Thanks for catching that 'pus' if they actually tasted like 'puss' I would have loved them!!!  Wink

I will have a new edit up shortly based upon your critique. Much obliged./Chris


Leah edit1 is posted. Thank you kindly!/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Messages In This Thread
Canned Father (edit2) - by ChristopherSea - 01-30-2015, 12:44 AM
RE: Canned Father - by Leah S. - 01-30-2015, 03:39 AM
RE: Canned Father - by ChristopherSea - 01-30-2015, 04:41 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by Leah S. - 01-30-2015, 05:54 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by ChristopherSea - 01-30-2015, 06:01 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by Leah S. - 01-30-2015, 06:03 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by ChristopherSea - 01-30-2015, 08:37 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by Brownlie - 01-30-2015, 11:54 PM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by ChristopherSea - 01-31-2015, 12:56 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit2) - by Brownlie - 01-31-2015, 01:18 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by Tiger the Lion - 01-31-2015, 12:59 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by ChristopherSea - 01-31-2015, 01:04 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit1) - by Tiger the Lion - 01-31-2015, 01:09 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit2) - by ChristopherSea - 01-31-2015, 01:16 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit2) - by Leah S. - 01-31-2015, 04:12 AM
RE: Canned Father (edit2) - by ChristopherSea - 01-31-2015, 04:55 AM



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