Peace
#6
(01-30-2015, 12:01 AM)ellajam Wrote:  
(01-29-2015, 07:29 AM)Wjames Wrote:  After a few beers, the game, and a couple laughs at the bar,
the boys and I like to head down to the pond for some midnight shinny.
 
Beneath a black sky and some old flood lights,
we fight over rubber with wooden sticks in falling snow,
warmed by the thoughtless sweat of war.
This creates a strong image which for me keeps moving back and forth between a hometown and a battlefield, works either way for me.

Two points that tripped me: " a couple laughs at the bar," I saw a heard a couple laughing at the bar, then had to go back and reread. I'd prefer a couple of laughs.

Is the puck something else made of rubber. If so I'd like to know what, if it's a puck I think I'd like it called a puck. Maybe. Smile

Thanks for the read.
It's vulcanized rubber ella. James, perhaps, if you are stressing the absurdity of it (e.g. golf is a bunch of old farts chasing tiny balls into holes with a stick), a 'black disc' might work, but you'd have to change your sky hue to coal or the like./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Messages In This Thread
Peace - by Wjames - 01-29-2015, 07:29 AM
RE: Peace - by just mercedes - 01-29-2015, 08:05 AM
RE: Peace - by Grace - 01-29-2015, 09:17 AM
RE: Peace - by 71degrees - 01-29-2015, 11:32 PM
RE: Peace - by ellajam - 01-30-2015, 12:01 AM
RE: Peace - by ChristopherSea - 01-30-2015, 12:23 AM
RE: Peace - by ellajam - 01-30-2015, 12:36 AM
RE: Peace - by Jimster41 - 02-02-2015, 01:06 AM
RE: Peace - by Wjames - 04-16-2015, 12:32 PM



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