Oleander Spoon (some swearing)

[ellajam]

Thanks Ellajam, Thanks for your feedback. This is and old poem of mine. At the time I was kind of aiming for what I call bush poetry, the only kind I knew. This sort of sound, though not as funny. (If your not Aussie you might struggle with some words in it). A bit of fun.        http://youtu.be/2kpjnGWPmj0
Do you think I should rearrange the lines in the fashion that you put them? I agree with the convey line, I changed that at the last second after reading lots of others comments about other poems on word repetition. I did have "I'll bring her round later today" but that made two todays close to each other.
I will keep the want/cunt though, as the language and the accent are totally the two real life feuding characters that inspired me (minus the murder of course). Small town, rural, industrial Aussie bogan.
I will have to think about some ay words as I'm getting about today. Cheers

That was a fun watch. I can see that the aabb singsong is what you're after. If you format it as rhyming couplets it will eliminate the reader (me) wondering why you didn't rhyme the off lines and also might help you regulate the meter but I can't advise you about what you should do, all I can do is suggest what you might want to consider.

Do you say want as wunt? If so, go for it.

You are right about not using "today" as an end rhyme twice in a row, maybe you could chuck "way" and come up with a fresh rhyme, or change the one above. "I'll bring her round later today" is surely a step well above that convey line.