01-29-2015, 04:44 PM
Greetings Rustymetal. 
I wouldn't consider this one a long read either; quite fast depiction of silent violence, actually.
The material and content is there. Now, it's a matter of seeing it tempered.
I agree with ellajam about the rhyme scheme. It's very inconsistent. However, some lines in there do have a good flow to them, like the first lines of
stanzas 1 and 2 which have some iambic action in them.
Question the adjectives: are they too long? Too small? Does it hinder or smooth out the line?
I wouldn't consider this one a long read either; quite fast depiction of silent violence, actually.
The material and content is there. Now, it's a matter of seeing it tempered.
I agree with ellajam about the rhyme scheme. It's very inconsistent. However, some lines in there do have a good flow to them, like the first lines of
stanzas 1 and 2 which have some iambic action in them.
Question the adjectives: are they too long? Too small? Does it hinder or smooth out the line?