01-29-2015, 07:20 AM
(01-28-2015, 08:09 PM)justcloudy Wrote: He was a cat of royal breedingI really like the rhyme scheme and the central metaphor of the poem, and I like the statement as a title as well; it's different.
back straight, eyes unblinking I naturally pause at the end of both these first two lines, you might want to add some punctuation.
stock still—a form of begging
tempted by meat grilling above...
slowly form and shape meld in
to plastic trapped on metal pole. Interesting image of a car (I believe), but if the meat is on the car itself, why would it be begging itself (maybe like a hungry person waiting for food to cook)?
Feathers that had come so far
now lay smashed against the tar
flapping up from gusts of cars
implying life, not flight as gone... this line is a little awkward to me, "as gone" is strange phrasing.
marred plumage turns to spotted gray
old newspaper's dying form. I like the image of old, splotted newspaper as a comparable for a dead animal's feathers
That giant snarling canine came
roaring out from dark again I pause at the end of this line as well
creature emerging from the rain
crushing life beneath its claws...
foaming fangs convert to grills
on an old diesel moving van.
Links twist between eyes and mind
my lines are crossed and make me blind,
I see misery in trash, I find I think "I find" might read better as "finding" even though it's not an "end" rhyme.
demons stalking out in stealth...
my little frightened brain can't tell
what’s outside and what’s in. I like the end, but it took me a few reads to get what you meant by "what's outside and what's in" (your mind, I think).

