Oleander Spoon (some swearing)

[ellajam]

Hi, Rusty, welcome to the site. I didn't find this long at all, it was a quick read. You have something here to work on, though the end was no surprise. It made me think Ted Kooser's advice in "the Poetry Home Repair Manuel" that sometimes it helps to turn your poem upside down or shift the stanzas. You might develop some intrigue that way.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about, , meter and rhyme. You're pretty close to having a steady meter at times. If you count the accents in each line you'll see some inconsistencies. Leanne has some great explanations in our Poetry Practice Forum of meter and the effects it has on the poem. On our home page there's a link to a fun read, Colin Ward's Poetry Tips.

The rhyme is an issue. You've chosen to rhyme every other line, which for me made the poem read more like this (you can see why the poem did not seem long for me):

She saw the bastard coming, before he even reached the door.
Quickly she ducked in the garden. A plan for him she had in store.

That aabbcc rhyme scheme sets up a singsong pace that I'm not sure was your goal. Some of the rhymes didn't work for me, want/cunt aren't close in my accent. There are also some lines that are contorted for the sake of the rhyme, particularly: "this evening, with her, I’ll convey”.

I think you'll have fun working with this one, hope you enjoy the site.

Hi, This is my first poem post. I am a novice, I feel completely confused about  poetry punctuation. I hope its not too long, I read a whole pile of poems tonight and they were all pretty short. This one was already written though so I might try and make them shorter. I also read that you had to label if it has swearing and I'm not sure where, so I'll add it here too.... There are three swear words. In case you are unfamiliar, Oleander is a flowering shrub. Hardy, long blooming and toxic. Often found in children's parks.



Oleander spoon.

She saw the bastard coming,
before he even reached the door.
Quickly she ducked in the garden.
A plan for him she had in store.

He sat across the table,
conceitedly eyeing the scene,
The dog’s desolate stare was unwavering,
the kettle was starting to steam.

“Coffee” she said and he nodded
“Now what the fuck do you want?
I’m sick of your fight and your trouble
Its time you stopped being a cunt”

And she smiled as she stirred his coffee
With an oleander spoon
“One sugar or two do you care for?
I’m sure we can get along soon”

A cake made early that morning,
enhanced by the seed of the bloom.
She pushed the plate across the table,
and quietly handed the spoon.

“You’re man, he owes me money,
I know that you simply can’t pay
but your lovely young daughter’s delightful
I’ll take her as down payment today”.

“You are right” the woman uttered
“Finish eating and then make your way
but the girl is at her Grandmothers,
this evening, with her, I’ll convey”.

The sun was toward the horizon
as she headed around to his place.
She found him inside doubled over
a contorted disguise was his face

His words parched on his lips but in contrast
His hands were slippery and wet
She whispered “you’ll not have my daughter
But I’ll watch while you writhe to your death”

Later that week, she read in the papers
Suicide was what the cops thought
She smiled as she stirred her coffee
Some people just had to be taught.


Thanks for reading.