NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[milo]

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Although this was accepted in a sonnet thread, bena has got me thinking about the volta, which in fact is missing, and this is no sonnet. To quote Leanne, without the volta it is a 14 line poem. I may dump the final couplet which gives the false impression of a sonnet and come up with something else. I appreciate so much anyone taking their time with this, there are parts I really like, maybe I can fix it.

A /volta/ is not required for a sonnet, a /turn/ is.  What is the difference between a volta and a turn? A volta is a single line that often restates or summarizes the problem and then switches direction.  A turn is just the directional switch itself.  Right around the time when it should appear, your poem switches from being engrossed in the challenges of the present to pondering the possibilities of the future so I would say it meets the requirements of a sonnt.

A final note:  Shakespearean sonnets frequently employ their turn quite differently that other forms in that they use a /summary couplet/ - a final couplet that uses summary to provide a turn in thought. 

Here is Shakespeare's sonnet 1:

From fairest creatures we desire increase,

That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel:
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And, tender churl, mak'st waste in niggarding:
   Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
   To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.


From the Italian perspective, one might say there is no turn here.  Shakespeare spends the whole time rambling on about how his good looking friend should have kids to pass along his looks.  The final couplet summarizes his position.  But, if you analyze the poem as a whole, you do have a problem and a resolution.  It is more common in Shakespearean sonnets to use a summary couplet than a volta.

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I also wanted to touch on what Dale is saying about enjambment:

In free verse, I think we can agree that a line should break on an important word but frequently in formal verse, writers throw that thought to the wolves as they try to end a line on a rhyme. When enjambing, it should be done in a way to accent an important word. I think some of yours (all and grand mostly) are falling there just for the purpose of rhyme. So, as much as agreeing with Dale doesn't agree with me, I think you should take a careful look at some of your enjambed lines as well.