NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[ellajam]

NICU, For Dominic


your dreams a mystery of graphing flares.

this line demonstrates the problem I have with skipping the old "to be" verbs.

of course you could fix it simply enough:

"your dreams are mysteries of graphing flares"

but it would alter the meaning slightly.

Now that I am loitering in your thread, it occurs to me how interesting the concept of machines graphing the mysteries of a newborne's dreams is.  You probably won't have time or inclination, but:

" . . . machines to graph the mysteries of your dreams"

ahh . . . that would be nice.

oh, and one more minor thing, yes, toes as an abacus is brilliant but abacus and fuss isn't a proper rhyme.

Hi, milo, thanks for taking the time.

I actually like

" . . . machines to graph the mysteries of your dreams"

enough to try to make it work. Thank you.

Ella-n-chanted,


"Do you think it all must be on one line to make sense?" What I believe is that it is easier, especially in a sonnet if the entire thought is on one line, as it is easier for the reader to understand. As melbell pointed out I am no friend to enjambment. Actually I am no friend to the overuse of enjambment. I'm not saying this about you because I believe you are honest in your writing, but many people use enjambment as a way to demonstrate their cleverness, not as it should be used to enhance the poem. I do not think that most uses of enjambment benefits the poem. In terms of the line you/I were referring to:  "I count the possibilities of doom and || triumph on your toes" The question I would ask is what are the benefits of breaking the line that way. Well it is easier to write that way. If this were a non-formal poem where would the natural break occur? I do not think one would generally break the line where you have. It would either be a single line, or broken between "possibilities of" and "doom. There is no reason to break "doom and triumph" apart, at least  it makes no sense to me. "doom and triumph" are a complete thought. It makes as much sense as breaking "ham and eggs" in the same way. Would you say this is good writing:

                   ...he would have ham and
eggs from a chicken's butt. He liked green
ham better.  

The cleverness come in with the "He liked green"

My idea of enjambment is that a word is shared between both lines, and in doing so it enhances in a meaningful way both lines that share it. I think you can say the same thing about alliteration as you can about enjambment. Alliteration is a wonderful tool, but the first thing we learn is that it should be used in such as way that it is not obvious and it serves some function of enhancing the poem.
Well that's a windy
answer but you knew
the risks going
in. The end.

 

"I thought the artificial could substitute for sedated, but maybe not. The fact that it was not a natural sleep needs to be said, maybe some way better."

You could use "sedated" as long as you have a stressed before and after. I think that is correct, I know that the middle syllable is stressed, and I am thinking the end syllable is neutral and is dependent on what surrounds it. So possibly with stressed syllables before and after the word it could work.I guess I would need to see it in a line to tell.  


Do they need to be flaring graphs? Is it unclear that those are all the vital sign screens?

Yeah I think so, primarily because graphs do not flare. Actually they are called monitors and nobody generally tries to read the blips on the line, they generally just go to the end and read the number. The graphs, as you call them, just give a visual representation of the vital sign. The only time that they actually use graph paper is when they hook you up to a specific machine to get a representation of what is going on at that minute, whether it's for the heart or brain. There is of course the two regulars, the ekg (electrocardiogram), or the eeg (electroencephalogram).  It is also possible that I know too much about medical equipment to have a good answer. Who knows it might work well for people who know nothing about the hospital. If it works for them, I say go with it. Accuracy in this, is not important, if the image calls to mind for them what you were intending then I would go for it.   

Well, those are my thoughts, just be aware they have often led me astray


Dale

Thanks, dale, for answering my questions. I'll try to really absorb it and pay attention to your points as I edit.

Just a word on graphs vs numbers. While I watched the numbers, when staring for hours the graphs are certainly part of the image, and when Dominic got the occasional roommate it was a bit disturbing how regular and low their graphs were compared to his. But he didn't get too many roommates, he got so pissed off whenever they poked at him they didn't want to wake the other babes. Those graphs went crazy.

---

Although this was accepted in a sonnet thread, bena has got me thinking about the volta, which in fact is missing, and this is no sonnet. To quote Leanne, without the volta it is a 14 line poem. I may dump the final couplet which gives the false impression of a sonnet and come up with something else. I appreciate so much anyone taking their time with this, there are parts I really like, maybe I can fix it.