01-23-2015, 07:23 AM
Hi Brownlie,
I like the poem do I do have at least one Suggestion. In this following line I would drop the "the" at the beginning and middle, so it would read,
"Jubilation is a cousin of musket fire," Pairing it with a direct article is confusing as you have not specified a particular jubilation, as everything before it indicates a generic 4th of July and not a specific one.
I think I understand what you were trying to say in the last line:
"and it’s like the organs recreated in a hotdog." I am assuming you mean organs like pipe organs, not internal organs? Also I think you can drop the "and it’s like the". so the last two lines read:
"jubilation is a cousin of musket fire;
pipe organs recreated in a hotdog"
Of course if you mean "organs" like kidneys, liver, lungs and so on, well...
Dale
I like the poem do I do have at least one Suggestion. In this following line I would drop the "the" at the beginning and middle, so it would read,
"Jubilation is a cousin of musket fire," Pairing it with a direct article is confusing as you have not specified a particular jubilation, as everything before it indicates a generic 4th of July and not a specific one.
I think I understand what you were trying to say in the last line:
"and it’s like the organs recreated in a hotdog." I am assuming you mean organs like pipe organs, not internal organs? Also I think you can drop the "and it’s like the". so the last two lines read:
"jubilation is a cousin of musket fire;
pipe organs recreated in a hotdog"
Of course if you mean "organs" like kidneys, liver, lungs and so on, well...
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.