NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

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NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

ellajam Offline

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#7

01-23-2015, 02:53 AM

(01-23-2015, 02:17 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: How about: 'Your first breath holds ours frozen in awe' (or something like it to remove that comma break, but add another syllable)

Maybe 'immobile' for frozen, but check your meter!

Hi, Chris, thanks. Big Grin

Big Grin

I'm trying to word within IP, though the rhyme scheme makes changes easy enough inserting immobile might be a chore. And it was more fear and worry than awe, but thanks for being another pointer towards what I need to work on.

Your time is appreciated, thanks for reading. Smile

Smile

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Messages In This Thread

NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by ellajam - 01-22-2015, 04:50 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by Brownlie - 01-22-2015, 01:12 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by Erthona - 01-22-2015, 01:41 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by bena - 01-22-2015, 11:18 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-23-2015, 12:14 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ChristopherSea - 01-23-2015, 02:17 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-23-2015, 02:53 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by milo - 01-23-2015, 10:44 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by Erthona - 01-23-2015, 10:55 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-24-2015, 09:50 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by milo - 01-25-2015, 01:20 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-25-2015, 02:12 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by bena - 01-25-2015, 02:18 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-25-2015, 02:43 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by milo - 01-25-2015, 02:59 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-25-2015, 04:03 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by RiverNotch - 01-25-2015, 11:33 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-25-2015, 12:16 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by Erthona - 01-25-2015, 03:54 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by RiverNotch - 01-25-2015, 06:34 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-25-2015, 09:17 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by Erthona - 01-25-2015, 10:12 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-25-2015, 10:35 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by milo - 01-26-2015, 02:29 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by RiverNotch - 01-25-2015, 10:33 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-26-2015, 08:02 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by milo - 01-28-2015, 02:41 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-28-2015, 03:01 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by milo - 01-28-2015, 04:13 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by bena - 01-27-2015, 11:56 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-28-2015, 12:47 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by Leah S. - 01-30-2015, 03:56 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic - by ellajam - 01-31-2015, 10:39 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by ellajam - 05-21-2015, 03:46 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by Todd - 05-28-2015, 04:11 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by ellajam - 05-28-2015, 04:19 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by Animal Riots Activist - 05-28-2015, 06:13 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by ellajam - 05-28-2015, 08:46 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by RiverNotch - 05-28-2015, 12:43 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by ellajam - 05-28-2015, 10:22 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by Animal Riots Activist - 05-29-2015, 02:58 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by tectak - 05-30-2015, 10:37 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by ellajam - 05-30-2015, 11:10 PM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by Municipal Alchemist - 06-03-2015, 03:18 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by ellajam - 06-03-2015, 04:53 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #1 - by Municipal Alchemist - 06-03-2015, 09:35 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2 - by ellajam - 06-20-2015, 01:57 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2 - by Todd - 06-20-2015, 03:12 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2 - by ellajam - 06-20-2015, 03:32 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2 - by Mark A Becker - 06-20-2015, 04:05 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2 - by ellajam - 06-20-2015, 04:22 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by MHenry - 11-07-2016, 09:04 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by ellajam - 11-07-2016, 10:26 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by Sparkydashforth - 11-18-2016, 04:31 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by ellajam - 11-18-2016, 04:39 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by kolemath - 11-18-2016, 06:15 AM

RE: NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1 - by ellajam - 11-18-2016, 09:48 PM

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