01-23-2015, 01:50 AM
(01-23-2015, 01:32 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Greetings Tom,Hi chris,
This is the first poem of yours that I have read in 2015! It's a poignant piece, but I may have more questions than advice.
First, I don’t quite see the title herein. Is one of the two a baby boy and the other an older girl or is she some incarnate form of death?
If so, how is she an orphan? If she 'stills his brothers', she must be some otherworldly figure and probably not an orphan either.
Do you need a full stop in the opener, would another comma suffice? What about exchanging one of those three 'hold's for something else (grasp or clutch).
If you must keep them all, 'hold you dearly' or something in that vein may come off less repetitive, while reinforcing 'like a mother stated' previously.
The ‘Sky above us…’ line may call for a verb or comma: Sky above us, bright with fury or Sky above is bright with fury
Why not: ‘lingering like the sting of death’.
I think ‘baby’s breath’ would be more effective and provide double entendre in reference to both the flower and babe.
In line 8, ‘then you’ll’ may flow better.
The pain/again rhyme comes off as either a forced rhyme (I have to force myself to say 'a-gane' and not 'a-gen') or slant rhyme for me,
but that is probably due to a pronunciation difference between poet and reader.
Your use of anastrophe works, so I contend you not! Perhaps Dale will...
These are probably minor observations/suggestions. See what you think. It’s a moving poem regardless./Chris
in a bloody rush. Thanks so far.
Think soldier holed up with a baby orphaned by war, in the war zone. Shit happens.
Tectak