NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[ellajam]

I'm not sure, but I think this form is similar to a Byronic or Spenserian Sonnet. However, that point is somewhat academic.

NICU, For Dominic

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all -- This conveys the meaning and I'm hesitant to give you advice. However, the idea of frozen breath may be called cliché. Though, as I said, I'm hesitant to give advice here.
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss -- I like the different methods of reading vitality and so forth and feel this is one of the strongest aspects of the poem.
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. -- Not sure about the word mystery. Perhaps you could find an accurate word that conveys something more. Maybe others can chime in here.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand. -- Maybe capitalize the Your? These lines might contain too many abstractions, but I'm not really sure.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth. -- I think the statement of pith is somewhat implicit to this style so this may be good here.

(I came across this today in our abandoned Crown of Sonnets. Coincidentally a healthy child celebrates his first birthday tomorrow, so I thought I'd honor the miracles of modern medicine by seeing if I can get this to stand alone. So far I've just tweaked the first line, the original can be found here:

Heroic Crown of Sonnets

I can't really tell you how to edit this right now. I liked the different methods of reading into the life force and what not.

Thanks for your time, Brownlie, and for your interesting and useful comments. It needs a new first line, agreed. I had no problem with the word mystery to describe those gadgets and their signals but I appreciate you pointing out that it may be too vague to be effective. Thanks.

"your secret strengths read in each tiny hand"  Abstractions: secret, strength and read? I'll have to think about that, thanks.
Your comment on the ending, "I think the statement of pith is somewhat implicit to this style so this may be good here." sound like a polite way of saying "This sucks."   I'll think on it.

Thanks again for commenting on this, much appreciated.

Marcella,

Overall I like the intent of the poem. The only negative comments I have are related to personal preference. Sometimes I think that enjambment is overused. In the case of this poem I think it weakens the opening line.  

"Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all"

If one is going to break a phrase between to clauses, it should enhance both. I do not see that here. The use of enjambment creates a line that sounds awkward, but seems to make little sense by adding the "after all" at the end of the line. If that is removed the line makes perfect sense.  
Yep an unwise enjambment and a bad break to boot. I will work on it.

Again in the third line, and I love the "your toes, my abacus," but I get less sense when "and triumph on your toes" at the beginning. How does one triumph on ones toes? Adding that to the front of the line really seems to make little sense, plus it weakens the line.  
Here I am counting the possibilities from the line above, instead of doom the end result could be survival or normalcy or anything in between. I can see that it does not carry through for you. Do you think it all must be on one line to make sense?


"artificial sleep" I'm uncertain what makes the babies sleep "artificial."
I thought the artificial could substitute for sedated, but maybe not. The fact that it was not a natural sleep needs to be said, maybe some way better.


"graphing flares" I know what "graphing" is and I know what "flares" are. However I have no idea what a "graphing flares" is. Has me completely befuddled (of course you will contend that, that is easy to accomplish and I would have to agree).
Do they need to be flaring graphs? Is it unclear that those are all the vital sign screens?

"achievements, escapades" There are two ways to pronounce escapades. Either with the accent on the first of the three syllables, or on the last of the three syllables. Neither one allows for two accents which is what you would need to be completely in line with IP. To me it does not matter, as I found nothing awkward about the line. I only put this in, in case you wished to explore it.
Ah, another instance of wishful thinking. When you make me think about it I say ES ca pades, but I told myself it was Es ca PADES, well it sort of is, it could be, uh, I'll think about it. Thanks.

I do love the three lines about palmistry:

"I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand."


I do not disagree with the sentiment of the last line, but the phrase of the last half seems somewhat awkward.  "the luck or curse of birth." It's clear enough, just seems a tad bit off.
I agree it's too lala, I keep saying it's ok when I go to edit, but I'm sure you're right.

Well there you have it. I suspect any who like the use of enjambment would disagree about my assessment. As I said this is mostly related to personal preference.

Dale

Thanks for expressing your views, I hope to find a happy middle. Much appreciated.

---

Ellabellacella

Difficult topic for me. (for personal and private reasons)

I don't mind the enjambment (you know dale is cantankerous at times)

AND I'm the worse person to ever judge a sonnet but even I know this is Shakespearean.

I love the volta.

love ya sweets!

mel.

Thanks for reading my rhymy stuff, mel. If any suggestions come to you just pipe up.