01-22-2015, 01:41 PM
Marcella,
Overall I like the intent of the poem. The only negative comments I have are related to personal preference. Sometimes I think that enjambment is overused. In the case of this poem I think it weakens the opening line.
"Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all"
If one is going to break a phrase between to clauses, it should enhance both. I do not see that here. The use of enjambment creates a line that sounds awkward, but seems to make little sense by adding the "after all" at the end of the line. If that is removed the line makes perfect sense.
Again in the third line, and I love the "your toes, my abacus," but I get less sense when "and triumph on your toes" at the beginning. How does one triumph on ones toes? Adding that to the front of the line really seems to make little sense, plus it weakens the line.
"artificial sleep" I'm uncertain what makes the babies sleep "artificial."
"graphing flares" I know what "graphing" is and I know what "flares" are. However I have no idea what a "graphing flares" is. Has me completely befuddled (of course you will contend that, that is easy to accomplish and I would have to agree).
"achievements, escapades" There are two ways to pronounce escapades. Either with the accent on the first of the three syllables, or on the last of the three syllables. Neither one allows for two accents which is what you would need to be completely in line with IP. To me it does not matter, as I found nothing awkward about the line. I only put this in, in case you wished to explore it.
I do love the three lines about palmistry:
"I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand."
I do not disagree with the sentiment of the last line, but the phrase of the last half seems somewhat awkward. "the luck or curse of birth." It's clear enough, just seems a tad bit off.
Well there you have it. I suspect any who like the use of enjambment would disagree about my assessment. As I said this is mostly related to personal preference.
Dale
Overall I like the intent of the poem. The only negative comments I have are related to personal preference. Sometimes I think that enjambment is overused. In the case of this poem I think it weakens the opening line.
"Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all"
If one is going to break a phrase between to clauses, it should enhance both. I do not see that here. The use of enjambment creates a line that sounds awkward, but seems to make little sense by adding the "after all" at the end of the line. If that is removed the line makes perfect sense.
Again in the third line, and I love the "your toes, my abacus," but I get less sense when "and triumph on your toes" at the beginning. How does one triumph on ones toes? Adding that to the front of the line really seems to make little sense, plus it weakens the line.
"artificial sleep" I'm uncertain what makes the babies sleep "artificial."
"graphing flares" I know what "graphing" is and I know what "flares" are. However I have no idea what a "graphing flares" is. Has me completely befuddled (of course you will contend that, that is easy to accomplish and I would have to agree).
"achievements, escapades" There are two ways to pronounce escapades. Either with the accent on the first of the three syllables, or on the last of the three syllables. Neither one allows for two accents which is what you would need to be completely in line with IP. To me it does not matter, as I found nothing awkward about the line. I only put this in, in case you wished to explore it.
I do love the three lines about palmistry:
"I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand."
I do not disagree with the sentiment of the last line, but the phrase of the last half seems somewhat awkward. "the luck or curse of birth." It's clear enough, just seems a tad bit off.
Well there you have it. I suspect any who like the use of enjambment would disagree about my assessment. As I said this is mostly related to personal preference.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.