NICU, For Dominic Edit #2.1

[Brownlie]

I'm not sure, but I think this form is similar to a Byronic or Spenserian Sonnet. However, that point is somewhat academic.

NICU, For Dominic

Your first breath holds ours frozen, after all -- This conveys the meaning and I'm hesitant to give you advice. However, the idea of frozen breath may be called cliché. Though, as I said, I'm hesitant to give advice here.
the weeks you grew inside your mother's womb,
arriving early with an anxious bawl.
I count the possibilities of doom
and triumph on your toes, my abacus,
as monitors and regulators beep
and flash your vital signs. You mildly fuss -- I like the different methods of reading vitality and so forth and feel this is one of the strongest aspects of the poem.
then slip back into artificial sleep;
your dreams a mystery of graphing flares. -- Not sure about the word mystery. Perhaps you could find an accurate word that conveys something more. Maybe others can chime in here.
I trace fine lines on palms, your future: grand
achievements, escapades, sweet love affairs...
your secret strengths read in each tiny hand. -- Maybe capitalize the Your? These lines might contain too many abstractions, but I'm not really sure.
Although our place does not dictate our worth,
we cannot earn the luck or curse of birth. -- I think the statement of pith is somewhat implicit to this style so this may be good here.

(I came across this today in our abandoned Crown of Sonnets. Coincidentally a healthy child celebrates his first birthday tomorrow, so I thought I'd honor the miracles of modern medicine by seeing if I can get this to stand alone. So far I've just tweaked the first line, the original can be found here:

Heroic Crown of Sonnets

I can't really tell you how to edit this right now. I liked the different methods of reading into the life force and what not.