01-18-2015, 04:41 AM
Brownlie,
Re: vid clip. "To fight for Uncle Sam, he laid us on the glory hole, he laid us on the glory hole, to serve the Stripes and Stars." Really, laid us on the "glory hole"?
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You seem to have a good post-modern ramble going on her, unfortunately most of it makes little sense which makes it difficult to extract any humor that might be within. I'd like to point out some of the confusion that is getting in my way of seeing the humor. I know this is "for fun forum," but as I cannot get anything from it I thought you might want to know why.
"The vista" What vista? There are more than one. I looked up the definition to see if there was a definition I was unaware of. Nope. The line might as well read: "The muglug got me thinking of George Washington..." It transmits as much meaning as what you actually have.
"were they fond of rumpus buddies like old Socrates" To which "old Socrates" do you refer. Besides the central character of Plato's dialogues, such an appellation has been given to such disparate entities as an old hermit to a donkey.
A number of you descriptions or metaphors are vague. One of the more subtle ones is:
"Yet guilt is like the naked skin of Artemis, and dare I say the spice of love."
I know who Artemis is, but how is "guilt" like her naked skin. I know nothing out of her myth that would warrant such a statement, and how is "guilt" the "spice of love." The line on a cursory glance sound cool, but at least for me it transmits no useful information. There are quite a few similar lines that would fall under the same heading.
A few others:
"So, let me say that thinking of George Washington
and how he may have been piqued by the lushness of a vista
makes me horny at the thought of capturing the hidden din of birds."
"and so, like he would manacle a pinpoint to attack
I would blind a falcon, boil up a sky-lark in a pot of lard,
or even barbecue a cooling swan."
"perhaps there's more, perhaps he liked to
plunder raisins from behind"
There are also some good lines:
"I've seen the moon wax full and wane into a gibbous twenty four times
since last I've seen a nipple that was not on its surface."
"I, like all the buckle hats (read Puritans) before me, am terribly ashamed of sex
and all of those associated acts involving rubbing and what-not."
If all of the noted lines were as well constructed and as easy to comprehend as the nipple line above I could envision this piece being quite humorous, but as I can not comprehend half of what is written it is impossible to extract humor from the whole.
I am willing to concede that I am being dense today. Hopefully you or someone will show me the error in my thinking and that the problem lies with me and not your poem. Hopefully now that it is brought to the top again you will receive further comments.
Dale
Re: vid clip. "To fight for Uncle Sam, he laid us on the glory hole, he laid us on the glory hole, to serve the Stripes and Stars." Really, laid us on the "glory hole"?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
You seem to have a good post-modern ramble going on her, unfortunately most of it makes little sense which makes it difficult to extract any humor that might be within. I'd like to point out some of the confusion that is getting in my way of seeing the humor. I know this is "for fun forum," but as I cannot get anything from it I thought you might want to know why.
"The vista" What vista? There are more than one. I looked up the definition to see if there was a definition I was unaware of. Nope. The line might as well read: "The muglug got me thinking of George Washington..." It transmits as much meaning as what you actually have.
"were they fond of rumpus buddies like old Socrates" To which "old Socrates" do you refer. Besides the central character of Plato's dialogues, such an appellation has been given to such disparate entities as an old hermit to a donkey.
A number of you descriptions or metaphors are vague. One of the more subtle ones is:
"Yet guilt is like the naked skin of Artemis, and dare I say the spice of love."
I know who Artemis is, but how is "guilt" like her naked skin. I know nothing out of her myth that would warrant such a statement, and how is "guilt" the "spice of love." The line on a cursory glance sound cool, but at least for me it transmits no useful information. There are quite a few similar lines that would fall under the same heading.
A few others:
"So, let me say that thinking of George Washington
and how he may have been piqued by the lushness of a vista
makes me horny at the thought of capturing the hidden din of birds."
"and so, like he would manacle a pinpoint to attack
I would blind a falcon, boil up a sky-lark in a pot of lard,
or even barbecue a cooling swan."
"perhaps there's more, perhaps he liked to
plunder raisins from behind"
There are also some good lines:
"I've seen the moon wax full and wane into a gibbous twenty four times
since last I've seen a nipple that was not on its surface."
"I, like all the buckle hats (read Puritans) before me, am terribly ashamed of sex
and all of those associated acts involving rubbing and what-not."
If all of the noted lines were as well constructed and as easy to comprehend as the nipple line above I could envision this piece being quite humorous, but as I can not comprehend half of what is written it is impossible to extract humor from the whole.
I am willing to concede that I am being dense today. Hopefully you or someone will show me the error in my thinking and that the problem lies with me and not your poem. Hopefully now that it is brought to the top again you will receive further comments.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.