The Wasting (edit3)

[ellajam]

Hi, Chris, have you been peeking into my mom's windows again? Sorry it's taken me so long, but here are a few notes.

Leah/bena edit 1 Thanks folks!

The Wasting

Mother ghosts Strong opening, I know that demeanor.
past attic dormers possible comma
between cloaked antique furnishings I think I'd lose antique.
and the forgotten mementos I think "and the crated mementos." would do.
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise, Not thrilled with the sound of death/demise, I might use flight instead of demise, but that's just me, I'd probably have to fight for it.
but she is not dying, as we keep her Possibly "kept" instead of "as we keep her".
blood thinned with warfarin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. This whole image is eye-opening, though I understand and like the warfarin the phrasing makes me think of mom as ratlike, I'm not sure if that is what you want.

You’d think she’s sedated Not a fan of "you'd think", I think you can do better.
from her vacant gape, while watching Something's off in the structure here, the comma seems wrong, I'm not sure how best to fix it.
time compress into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of culture shock, she is tattooed-
teenager-disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet.
I liked paralyzed, even after reading the definition, mom has been to different "countries" and no longer bothers to respond appropriately, if that's what you originally meant. I'd break on paralyzed or shock and give  tattooed-teenager-disturbed it's own line, I can't find an advantage to breaking in the middle and disturbed is not a bad break.

Wearing blue hair nets,
she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
You might consider breaking on "panes", take a look at
She recite details
of doctor visits and medical tests that conclude
she is still too healthy

but I'd change "medical" to modern or new-fangled or something better, it throws back to that being the only part of present life she takes part in.

to join Dad any time soon.
If you are going to keep this drop I think this line could use a tweak, maybe a comma after healthy and "won't be joining" instead of  "to join".

I hope you enjoy thinking about these comments, for me this is interesting and very close to hitting its target. Thanks for posting it, I think it's important and appreciate your voice here. I enjoyed the time I spent with it.
-----------------------------------
The Wasting

Mother ghosts
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes. I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.