01-15-2015, 09:56 AM
(01-15-2015, 04:41 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Paul, It's a very warm and well illustrated memory!Thanks Chris. Seems I've written another punctuation nightmare. You mention points that are valid and still negotiable in this one. Still "bouncing" this around.
I am not certain about the speaker's audience, but do you really need to introduce the 'you' in your opener. 'I loved my brother,' may suffice.
You need some sort of punctuation after 'mind,' either a period, coma, maybe even one of these semicolons.
Would 'stirring about in the kitchen...' eliminate the uncertainty as to whether they were stirring a pot of soup or just milling about the room.
I am not sure in this in working for me:
'forever bouncing
from the ball of my left foot
to the ball of my right.'
maybe '...flip-flopping from one foot to another' or something similar would serve you.
I don't think you need the 'halfway' in your closer, that would make it your chest or something, wouldn't it? '...pushed up to my cheeks' is fine.
I hope these observations spark some ideas for your final edit. See what you think. Cheers/Chris
Paul
