Giant
#3
(01-14-2015, 03:10 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Paul,

Nice poem looking at childhood perception, certainly not a new motif, but you bring a fresh twist to it.

Three problematic area.

The title would seem to need to be Giant, singular, not plural.
The word  bobbling seems an odd word choice as it usually refers to an up and down motion rather than a side to side, but if you are going to use it you could probably drop the word that precedes and the word that follows it. So it would read:

"to rise up and meet them:

bobbling
from the ball of my left foot
to the ball of my right."  

"I still see him with mother,
stirring in the kitchen."

This strikes a bit odd. My question would be, "What is he stirring the kitchen in to? Or are they both just starting to move around. Regardless, it creates a bit of a distraction in the reading.

Dale
Thanks Dale. All three are good points. I flip-flopped a little on the title being plural, but in the end, you're right. On the second point - " bobbling" - I loved the word but it did create some issues. I hope you like the fix- if not, say so. On the 3rd point, "stirring in the kitchen" feels a more difficult fix. I changed the comma after "mother" to a semi-colon in an attempt to clarify, but I'm hesitant to adjust further as the whole web might collapse. 
Thanks for your help. Credited.
Paul
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Messages In This Thread
Giant - by Tiger the Lion - 01-14-2015, 02:07 AM
RE: Giants - by Erthona - 01-14-2015, 03:10 AM
RE: Giant - by Tiger the Lion - 01-14-2015, 08:45 AM
RE: Giant - by bena - 01-15-2015, 02:12 AM
RE: Giant - by Tiger the Lion - 01-15-2015, 02:29 AM
RE: Giant - by ChristopherSea - 01-15-2015, 04:41 AM
RE: Giant - by Tiger the Lion - 01-15-2015, 09:56 AM
RE: Giant - by ellz483 - 01-29-2015, 09:01 AM
RE: Giant - by Jimster41 - 02-02-2015, 01:20 AM
RE: Giant - by Erthona - 02-08-2015, 07:18 AM
RE: Giant - by Tiger the Lion - 02-08-2015, 07:26 AM
RE: Giant - by just mercedes - 02-08-2015, 07:22 AM
RE: Giant - by 71degrees - 02-08-2015, 09:03 AM
RE: Giant - by BW BRINE - 02-15-2015, 04:45 AM
RE: Giant - by Wjames - 03-10-2015, 05:58 AM



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