01-14-2015, 03:10 AM
Paul,
Nice poem looking at childhood perception, certainly not a new motif, but you bring a fresh twist to it.
Three problematic area.
The title would seem to need to be Giant, singular, not plural.
The word bobbling seems an odd word choice as it usually refers to an up and down motion rather than a side to side, but if you are going to use it you could probably drop the word that precedes and the word that follows it. So it would read:
"to rise up and meet them:
bobbling
from the ball of my left foot
to the ball of my right."
"I still see him with mother,
stirring in the kitchen."
This strikes a bit odd. My question would be, "What is he stirring the kitchen in to? Or are they both just starting to move around. Regardless, it creates a bit of a distraction in the reading.
Dale
Nice poem looking at childhood perception, certainly not a new motif, but you bring a fresh twist to it.
Three problematic area.
The title would seem to need to be Giant, singular, not plural.
The word bobbling seems an odd word choice as it usually refers to an up and down motion rather than a side to side, but if you are going to use it you could probably drop the word that precedes and the word that follows it. So it would read:
"to rise up and meet them:
bobbling
from the ball of my left foot
to the ball of my right."
"I still see him with mother,
stirring in the kitchen."
This strikes a bit odd. My question would be, "What is he stirring the kitchen in to? Or are they both just starting to move around. Regardless, it creates a bit of a distraction in the reading.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.