01-12-2015, 11:17 AM
Thank you so much for the critique, it is truly appreciated.
Some notes:
I'm generally pretty lost when it comes to punctuation. I do like the capitalization. I wanted this to be read slow, with a pause at the end of each line. I'm not sure how to best achieve that.
The contradiction was on purpose. I kind of wanted to confuse - I wanted the reader to feel like maybe this is about another home, another Earth, another phase of perception. I like the surprise and confusion.
As for the last bit being only two lines, i like the stop that it brings. I also like the surprise of it NOT ending in "miles of dirt, miles of dirt". I feel like this sudden personification of the dirt brings a level of surprise and wonder. While reading the poem the drone like repetition of miles of dirt makes it seem barren, dumb, blank, simple. Then the last line gets you with "Miles of dirt translate the day" and you feel like maybe the dirt was more of a moving character all along, that perhaps it was up to something, something important, right under your nose.
I definitely appreciate the feedback - let me know what you think of my notes! I'll get on some critiques here shortly
Some notes:
I'm generally pretty lost when it comes to punctuation. I do like the capitalization. I wanted this to be read slow, with a pause at the end of each line. I'm not sure how to best achieve that.
The contradiction was on purpose. I kind of wanted to confuse - I wanted the reader to feel like maybe this is about another home, another Earth, another phase of perception. I like the surprise and confusion.
As for the last bit being only two lines, i like the stop that it brings. I also like the surprise of it NOT ending in "miles of dirt, miles of dirt". I feel like this sudden personification of the dirt brings a level of surprise and wonder. While reading the poem the drone like repetition of miles of dirt makes it seem barren, dumb, blank, simple. Then the last line gets you with "Miles of dirt translate the day" and you feel like maybe the dirt was more of a moving character all along, that perhaps it was up to something, something important, right under your nose.
I definitely appreciate the feedback - let me know what you think of my notes! I'll get on some critiques here shortly