Miles of Dirt

[shemthepenman]

hello,

Used to write a lifetime ago. Picked it up today after a very emotional time.
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Miles of Dirt


Sparkling foam breaks on gravel clay;
Pine, a woolen Earth - Some clearer punctuation would help, especially because you have chosen to make each line begin with a capital letter (something that is relatively old fashioned (but, having said that, it seems to be making a bit of a comeback, for good or ill). Furthermore, I have just noticed that you are punctuating but haphazardly.
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt

Ancient worms translate the day; - personally, I don't like the definite article being used in this instance, but of course, it gives us metre. I would prefer 'each day'.
Rock, a frothy Earth
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt

Sea caps smirk at birds of prey;
Mist, a prickly Earth - Now, I may be missing something integral, but I will tentatively say that mist evokes more 'woolen' imagery and pine more 'prickly'. In which case, shouldn't these be exchanged? I have only read it the once, and as I am writing this, so I may be missing a fundamental layer. You could be deliberately contradicting the natural inclination of sense experience by juxtaposing seemingly incompatible images; which is commendable, but I cannot help thinking that the overall piece doesn't warrant it.
Miles of dirt, miles of dirt.

Where songs don't sing but write their way;
Miles of dirt translate the day - why not cut this last into 3 lines? Is it to simply full-stop the poem? in which case, it needn't. Also, and again, you seem to be confounding the refrain with a punchline, ironically, presupposing that this is the readers expectation , but I would prefer the last line to be a repetition 'miles of dirt, miles of dirt'.

I really like this (shit, we're not supposed to say that); regardless, this is a very fine poem. thanks for sharing it.
Now, don't be a fly-tipper (you're better than that). Start critiquing other members' poetry.