[split] The Nothing

[shemthepenman]

don't mock the semi-prime, mock the super-prime, have some ambition (old Stewart Lee joke).

damn you (shakes fist [of fun]), now I am going to be obsessed with coding, recoding and over-coding Optimus Prime into super-prime numbers :/

"…had Sir Isaac Newton shared the sense of humour of a member of the public,
he would have been so amused at the simple effects of gravity that he would
never have got round to making a comprehensive study of its causes.

That's the punchline, 'a comprehensive study of it's causes' !  I worked for that!
Will you be telling this joke at work tomorrow? I don't think so! - Stewart Lee

"I don’t know if I’m the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I’ve become religious, I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by God to test us, like fossils. And facts." - Stewart Lee


"The eighteenth-century polymath Thomas Young was the last person to have read all the books published in his lifetime. That means that he would've read all the Shakespeare and all the Greek and Roman classics and all the theology and all the philosophy and all the science. But the same man today, a man who had read all the books published today, would've had to've read all Dan Brown's novels, two volumes of Chris Moyles' autobiography, The World According to Clarkson by Jeremy Clarkson, The World according to Clarkson II by Jeremy Clarkson, The World according to Clarkson III by Jeremy Clarkson [Women and their 4 Uses by Jeremy Clarkson]... his mind would be awash with bad metaphors and unsustainable, reactionary opinion; one long anecdote about the time that Comedy Dave put pound coins in the urinal. In short, the man who had read everything published today would be more stupid than a man who had read nothing." - Stewart Lee



"The world of publishing is in crisis: publishers sell hot titles at massive discounts to supermarkets, driving independent publishers out of business. I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Remember that? Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Or Harry Potter and the Stick of Wood. Or Harry Potter and the Forest of Embarrassment. Or Harry Potter and the meh meh meh. Anyway, I was in Tesco’s, and they were literally delivering the new Harry Potter books on forklift trucks, on pallets, into the supermarket. "Get your books! Pile up the books! Get a multi-pack of books! Why not take an extra book home, put it in the freezer?" You know, those Harry Potter books, you know they’re for children, don’t you? They’re aimed at children. People do that to me, "Have you read the new Harry Potter book, Stew, it’s good, have you read it?" No, I haven’t read it, because I’m a forty-year-old man. "You should read it, Stew, it’s about a wizard in a school." I’m not reading it! I’m a grown— I’m an adult! "Have you read Harry Potter, Stew, and the— and the Tree of Nothing?" No, I haven’t. I haven’t read it, but I have read the complete works of the romantic poet and visionary William Blake. So fuck off." - Stewart Lee


"You like that. That's your favorite bit, isn't it? Me saying 'dog' in a high voice. It's not my favorite bit of this routine. D'you want to know my favorite bit of this routine? It's the phrase 'The shareholders' dividends were ring fenced against pirate zombie infestation', but no one was laughing at that, which confirms to me the suspicion that for most of the evening we've been talking at cross purposes." - Stewart Lee