The Wasting (edit3)

[ChristopherSea]

I'm having trouble with the tone and word choices. You call them "Mother" and "Father" but default to "Dad" in the last line. "Acquiesce" is a formal word choice, and so is "demise" and you set that tone early in the poem, but then you slide into contractions in "You'd think she's sedated".  The phrase "tattooed teenager disturbed" is quirky and doesn't fit with the tone of the rest of the poem. If you keep it, I think it needs hyphens (tattooed-teenager-disturbed) since you are using it as a kind of adjective. "Disturbed by tattooed teenagers" would work just as well, since the alternative (if you want to be consistent) would be something like "She is tattooed-teenager-body-piercing-LED-lighting-internet-disturbed.") Re: "cultural paralysis," she can't be paralyzed if she is broadcasting and recoiling. I translated it to "culture-shock" when I read it. The only reference I could find to "cultural paralysis" on the internet was the following: "Cultural paralysis: a condition of complete social helplessness brought on by an inability to distinguish among the taboos and etiquette of multiple societies. CP is most acutely experienced by those who have travelled and lived in 3 or more countries and can no longer remember which rules apply to which location."
"Compact" doesn't work very well as a verb. It's too much like the abomination "impacted, impacting" which has language-raped its way into the dictionary. May I suggest "compress" or "solidify" instead?
I hesitate to give you any punctuation advice, until I follow Tectak's advice about my semi-colons, but I do think you need to review the punctuation and add a few commas here and there. Also, line breaks are really important in free verse, and are usually used to indicate where you want the reader to pause, and to delineate a grouping of words that may indicate a shift in meaning or context. Try putting line breaks after each period, and then review to see where else you want to put them.
I like the subject matter of the poem very much, it is a difficult subject to tackle. I like the emotional ambiguity of the last few lines.
Best, Leah

Leah, thank you so much for your time and this detailed critique. I always edit my works, so I will try to incorporate
some of your suggestions.

You have quite the verbatum take on word choice for a poet and that is intriguing. Let me see if I share some of the same
concerns. Since this is somewhat autobiographical, perhaps emotion took the reigns from my attention to diction.

The assumption that every line break should occur after every period neglects a very useful poetic device. I purposely did not
break after periods to exploit enjambment in creating a melding of sentences that it some cases could stand as their own lines, eg:

crated up. She’s acquiesced

for prowling rodents. You’d think

on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting

LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue

through the smudged panes. I listen to her

(etc, you get the drift)

However, I will make certain that gimmick has not overtaken effectiveness.

The poem does go from more formal to personal and hopefully from factual to emotional. Good job observing that.
I shall re-examine the transitions it to see if they are working.

I am much obliged for the read, the comments and help Leah! Cheers/Chris

---

I really love this one, but of course, being it is in serious I'll find a few nits to pick. (just dawned on me, is that phrase about lice?)

General complaint:  could use some white space...but you know I adore my white space so I may be biased. 



The Wasting


Mother ghosts (loveeee the line break here)
past attic dormers
between cloaked antique furnishings
and the forgotten souvenirs (not crazy about the word souvenirs here, reminds me of a trinket you'd pick up on vacation and not a lifetime full of memories---Not sure exactly what I'd like to see instead, but you are more than capable of coming up with the right substitute.  Oooo--just thought of something--since you refer just below the nibbling rats, perhaps "morsels of memories" --you know I adore assonance and alliteration.)
crated up. She’s acquiesced
to death since Father's demise,
but she is not dying, as we keep her
blood thinned with Coumadin,  (perhaps use Warfarin instead of Coumadin?  Not sure why I like that one better, just sounds better to my ear and has a slight mental connection with Wharf rats)
the same poison we reserve
for prowling rodents. You’d think
she’s sedated from her vacant gape,
while watching time compact (compacted? I think) into shale
on the Game Show Network. Broadcasting
signs of cultural paralysis, she is tattooed-
teenager disturbed (personally love this as is, but it could lead to a brief misinterpretation that she is a tattooed teen) and recoils from body piercings,
LED lighting and the internet. Wearing blue
hair nets, she passes time moaning of aches
through the smudged panes (adore play on pain/pane). I listen to her
recite details of doctor visits
and medical tests concluding
she is still too healthy
to join Dad any time soon.



I know I commented quite a bit on things that could be changed, but that doesn't mean it couldn't stand as is and be fantastic.

your loving bosom buddy,

melicious.

Thank you, as always, for your sage advice Melicious-Melanie! I had some white space in earlier drafts (this is about the 10th).
However, it seemed to subtract from co-joining some of my sentence fragments via enjambment to form new lines that can stand on
their own, as I explained to Leah. I might make a stanza break to satisfy both you and Leah after 'prowling rodents.' I did have that
last line dropped down earlier and could restore it, but I feel that I do that in every other poem. I may have thought that a sort of run-on
poetry form would emphasize the protracted wait that has become my Mom's new reality.

I see your point on the chintzy souvenirs verses 'memories' or something similar. Warfarin would work, as well as emphasize
that it is a rat poison in addition to being an anti-thrombosis/anticoagulant. Nobody seems to like the geologic term compact (The process
in the rock cycle which forms shale is called compaction). Perhaps, I will find a different term. I'll look for even a more scientific term.  

Yes, my Mom has no tattoos and is no teenager. It was sad to see her beginning to give up on life at 86. She is becoming more withdrawn
and depressed with time. As for the line, the double-hyphenation suggestion of Leah's might work or 'she's become tattooed-teenager...'
could suffice.

I will have an edit in the near future. I always get some good ideas from you doll-face and I am ever grateful./Chris