01-04-2015, 09:50 AM
First: Opening the poem with ‘well’ adds nothing here and makes it sounds more like lyrics to a song than a poem
Second: Using arcaic words like ‘nigh’ really serves no purpose here except that I assume you want it to “rhyme” with ‘sky’ on the next line. This gives the sensation that words aren’t put naturally in place but have rather been forced in order to rhyme. This really is the biggest concern for me reading this poem; most of the rhymes sound forced, they don’t fall naturally into place, and arcaic words are sometimes used simply for the purpose of rhyme. For example:
outside kids laugh and play;
and I wonder what to say;
Simply put, this sounds ugly.
‘Lingers’ and ‘dwindles’ don’t rhyme in the third stanza. Given that L1 and L2 has rhymed or slant rhymed in every other stanza it screws with the poem.
Second: Using arcaic words like ‘nigh’ really serves no purpose here except that I assume you want it to “rhyme” with ‘sky’ on the next line. This gives the sensation that words aren’t put naturally in place but have rather been forced in order to rhyme. This really is the biggest concern for me reading this poem; most of the rhymes sound forced, they don’t fall naturally into place, and arcaic words are sometimes used simply for the purpose of rhyme. For example:
outside kids laugh and play;
and I wonder what to say;
Simply put, this sounds ugly.
‘Lingers’ and ‘dwindles’ don’t rhyme in the third stanza. Given that L1 and L2 has rhymed or slant rhymed in every other stanza it screws with the poem.