Rain That Burns

[none]

"Still I smear my dreams" is a novel phrase, but I had the same reaction as Leah. For some reason, "smear" evokes the idea of monkeys smearing poop or someone smearing boogers on their shirt.

"Crimson blood" sounds very cliche to me. Plus it's redundant, since blood is obviously red.

"Ere" sounds out of place to me, perhaps because the rest of the poem doesn't have the same old-timey style.

I lacked options other than "Ere" to keep the meter intact.
Blood is red, not crimson.
I'll change smear to draw.

The only part that got me confused is the wording you used here
Still I smear my dreams
And my longing hymns
In crimson blood runes
On this rain that burns

Smearing blood on the rain would not be possible without using runic alphabet (believed to contain mystical properties).

You have the bones of a poem, but I think you need to pay more more attention to the flesh. Either get your rhymes and meter all working together, or ignore them and work in free verse. This poem is half-way.

I was intending to make a very slant poem, both in meter and rhymes.
But in the revised version I will make the "free verse" feeling more apparent.

I'm not sure that you really intend to submit your poetry for serious workshopping. Usually getting your meaning across to the reader is very important to a poet. By submitting your poem, the implied intent is that you invite all feedback with the understanding that you are open to editing and improving your poem based on the critiques you receive. I was trying to address your grammar more than your meaning. The meaning of your poem is very clear, and poem-worthy, but the language you used was awkward (to me) in places.

Initially, while I don't think any improvement is needed, I'm still open to the idea of fixing this piece. But after reading all the critics, I'm convinced that a revision is necessary.