because the dead don't wear shoes

[milo]

Milo,

I like the idea of this poem, and since it is in the for fun section would not generally offer critique, but as everyone else has.

thanks for offering critique.  I like to post here as I get pretty much the same level as critique but everyone gets to go off topic if they prefer.  Plus, I don't know how "serious" I am.

 The problematic point for me is that stanzas 2 and 3 to not have the same correlation to shoes as does stanza one. In stanza one there is a direct correlation to shoes and sneaking up on someone. It is an establish image (for lack of a better term) that one removes ones shoes to better sneak up on someone. This same idea is lacking in the next two stanzas and they suffer by comparison. This is unfortunate as it really is a great idea for a poem.
There is maybe a slight correlation between going through airport security and the need to remove ones shows, but there is nothing even akin to that with a calendar. I think you need to cite other instances that are known for needing shoes to be removed. Like entering into a Japanese bath house. They can easily follow you into a Japanese bath house and blow cool air across your back, as they need no Geisha to remove their shoes. Something like that, that there is a more established connection to the removing of ones shoes, and where it can be emphasized.

ok - there is a lot in here to discuss.  Originally, there were 8 stanzas to this, as I just considered different situations where not having shoes would be useful, but the poem isn't actually about shoes, it is about the dead and I boiled it down to the 3 things I wanted to say:

1. the dead can sneak up on you
2. you can't escape the dead just by going somewhere else.
3. time will not eventually make the dead go away.

So, yes, the bath house one is good, but the point of the poem isn't supposed to be about cool things the dead can do without shoes.  It is metaphorical, much like the shoes don't have to be literal shoes.  

To the connections - Tom already mentioned that at least one doesn't work for him so it looks like this is going to be a serious structural flaw in the poem.  I meant to make the metaphor obvious by being slightly whimsical.  Yes, they do make you remove your shoes to get through airport security and it is annoying, but not having shoes wouldn't be a /huge/ benefit anymore than you need to remove them to sneak up on someone.  As for the folding - you can't fold shoes.  Were a dead person wearing them, they would become unfoldable.  

Maybe I'm dense, but also have not traveled much in a while, do they make everybody take off their shoes to get through airport security? If not then I don't think that image really works. Maybe it just doesn't work for me because I'm so out of touch with the larger world of travel.

I do like the change on the last line. It adds a lightness to the poem, rather injecting added heaviness that it doesn't need as the first one did.

This is also a very fresh and original idea, I am envious.

Dale    

thanks. Keeping this fresh and interesting - for me -may be the most important thing a poem can provide.  Thanks for your comments.