12-30-2014, 05:27 AM
plates crack upon impact with the tiles
that coat my kitchen floor,
my mother stands between marble counters,
peering at me through eyes of haze, I'm not so sure about this line - eyes of haze? I'm actually terrible for putting words in jumbled order for poetics sake if I like the way it rolls, but here I'm not so sure personally.
recognition does not register.
as I stand, stoic and solid, I wonder
which one of us has truly gone fishing, I'm not sure I understand this line.
which of us has seemed to
misplace any sense of mind.
I lay beneath cotton and threads,
the television blares in the hallway,
colors flicker on and off my doorway.
I lay still, clenching and unfurling fists,
afraid that the madness that lingers
in the air, all around me,
might seep into my skin as a I sleep,
and that I might awake with eyes like
kaleidoscopes, living in various shades
of blunt and brittle reality Okay, this entire stanza personally to me blows the first out of the water. This is absolutely excellent and I love it so much. If I were you I'd probably re-write the entire first stanza because this outshines it by far in my humble opinion!
that coat my kitchen floor,
my mother stands between marble counters,
peering at me through eyes of haze, I'm not so sure about this line - eyes of haze? I'm actually terrible for putting words in jumbled order for poetics sake if I like the way it rolls, but here I'm not so sure personally.
recognition does not register.
as I stand, stoic and solid, I wonder
which one of us has truly gone fishing, I'm not sure I understand this line.
which of us has seemed to
misplace any sense of mind.
I lay beneath cotton and threads,
the television blares in the hallway,
colors flicker on and off my doorway.
I lay still, clenching and unfurling fists,
afraid that the madness that lingers
in the air, all around me,
might seep into my skin as a I sleep,
and that I might awake with eyes like
kaleidoscopes, living in various shades
of blunt and brittle reality Okay, this entire stanza personally to me blows the first out of the water. This is absolutely excellent and I love it so much. If I were you I'd probably re-write the entire first stanza because this outshines it by far in my humble opinion!