12-30-2014, 01:30 AM
(12-29-2014, 01:33 PM)71degrees Wrote: We leave one step at a time:
from the table after eating, a failing job,
certain beliefs, the broken heart of a home
i like what is said but now how it is said. Certain believes, broken hearts, actually, the whole last two lines feel forced out.
Stumbling from the dinner table, a dead end job,
former faith, the chill in our empty home
Not exactly better, but at first I was going go agree that from had to go, but it needs to stay, perhaps in a new form though.
the in-and-out of our breath, [b]i agree, take our out.
one hand against cold glass
from the black rocks near Calumet,
green frothy water breaking
over them, and that Sunday afternoon
when the sky seemed to pull apart
like the innards of a cotton pillow
when we pretend
life is easier than it really is it feels like you've left the poem, there's no period and the thought seems unfinished. I guess that could work, but this lay sentence is pure cliche.