12-28-2014, 07:37 AM
"P.S The simplicity of it was intentional as to convey the apathy behind the 'misery-of-it-all'."
If you have to explain your poem, then it is already not a very good poem.
Question, why did you use center justify? It makes it much harder to read, it is not a concrete poem that needs to be center justified to show the image the words form. I see nothing in the poem that would benefit from using center justify.
I guess the nearest thing one could call this would be three feet accentual verse.
Unless you are writing a blues song, the first word on your first line should probably not be "well", especially since you could remove and it would change the line not a whit.
In the second stanza I am unsure what the "Till" refers to. does it means that you will continue to mope until " the sun sits high in some grey-white sky". Also, are you sure you want to use "some", which could mean any sky, as in the one half way around the world. Maybe
"the sun sits high in this grey-white sky"
In stanza three you deviate from your previous rhyme pattern. To do so in most cases, including this one, is usually not considered a good idea, as it causes the reader to not stay immersed in the poem, but have to stop to contemplate why the poet changed his pattern. As there seems no reason for it, I would suggest you should return to it. It seems stanza five goes back to the original pattern.
As far as I can tell you use a large amount of words to beat around the bush, say not much of anything. I suppose I could delineate that, but I am not feeling up to it at the moment. Maybe you can figure that out, or maybe another commentator will help you.
welcome to the site,
Dale
If you have to explain your poem, then it is already not a very good poem.
Question, why did you use center justify? It makes it much harder to read, it is not a concrete poem that needs to be center justified to show the image the words form. I see nothing in the poem that would benefit from using center justify.
I guess the nearest thing one could call this would be three feet accentual verse.
Unless you are writing a blues song, the first word on your first line should probably not be "well", especially since you could remove and it would change the line not a whit.
In the second stanza I am unsure what the "Till" refers to. does it means that you will continue to mope until " the sun sits high in some grey-white sky". Also, are you sure you want to use "some", which could mean any sky, as in the one half way around the world. Maybe
"the sun sits high in this grey-white sky"
In stanza three you deviate from your previous rhyme pattern. To do so in most cases, including this one, is usually not considered a good idea, as it causes the reader to not stay immersed in the poem, but have to stop to contemplate why the poet changed his pattern. As there seems no reason for it, I would suggest you should return to it. It seems stanza five goes back to the original pattern.
As far as I can tell you use a large amount of words to beat around the bush, say not much of anything. I suppose I could delineate that, but I am not feeling up to it at the moment. Maybe you can figure that out, or maybe another commentator will help you.
welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.