There's this girl I'd like to write about

[71degrees]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun?

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

If you're going to break the political correctiveness code, why not go all the way and put something in there besides "chest"...you've spent the entire poem settting me up and then you cop out with "chest?"...are you really looking to sneek peek a look at something so benign as a chest? Way too wordy, too cute with all the "or's" and "at least's"....it's almost a parady at the end. But you know something...the line breaks are more than nice and from an entirely male perspective, this is exactly what men try and avoid to not look stupid. Jerry Seinfeld has made a fortune with this attitude. Decide what kind of piece you really want to write and then be more consistent toward that goal. Nice poem. I enjoyed reading this.