Madeleine

[Leah S.]

t

A couple of things....you could improve this poem with a few well chosen adjectives. Also, we (the readers) know why you are lying with her in spite of her lies, but we don't know why she is lying with you in spite of your disdain. I want to know why she is lying to you, and what she wants from you.

Thank you, for the critique.

I take your consideration very much about changing "Those" with "Your" to become:

Your smiles,
Your lips and kisses

They do sound a lot better but also somewhat more intimate - something that I want to avoid.
Give me time to think of this.

As for the reason for the lies, this was supposed to be hinted in the title of the poem. But I guess, it's hard to notice it if the title is not unique enough for people to stop and ponder what it means. Still, to change the title from Madeleine to Magdalene as suggested by tectak is just too direct for my taste. I suppose I still feel the need to be slightly hidden.

Your poem reads like the words of a song from the age of crooners. Simple songs for simple situations? The only part of it I engaged with is the play with the two meanings of 'lie'.

Indeed, it's a simple situation of sexual exchange for money.

The biblical "Magdalene" is loaded with associations....foremost that she was reformed (if she was even a prostitute to start with) and is now venerated as a saint and given the title "the First Apostle." Not sure you want to drag all that in. I worry about your feeling that you want to stay "hidden." Poets take terrible risks, because they don't hide their inmost thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I sympathize, though. There are certain poems I don't want to subject to strong criticism for that very reason. If you are not talking about keeping yourself hidden, but are talking about keeping certain meanings or associations in your poem hidden, I have to ask why, for heaven's sake?