There's this girl I'd like to write about

[Brownlie]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun? -- Maybe in.

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and -- Perhaps small words like "that" may be considered as a type of padding. However, to go verbose may ruin the poem.

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

I basically left comments to satisfy propriety. It seems like a pretty solid poem to me. You've got some Freudian enjambment, a good tone, and you build up to a direct statement at the end. A poem like this may run the risk of being called chauvinistic, but the language seems to imply more vulnerability.