12-25-2014, 05:13 AM
[quote='Leah S.' pid='181374' dateline='1419093512']
Revision 1:
Something in my chest, that smells like my raw heart,
(OR) tastes like my old tears, (Pick one?) This line bothers me - for me the sense of smell is in my nose, and of taste is in my mouth. Something in my chest [b]that smells and tastes just doesn't work for me.
[/b]twists and slides quietly
under the fallen leaves;
under the aspen leaves, the cherry leaves, the apple leaves, I like the particulars
that lie still over the red stones. nice sonics
Something in the air, that smells like a cold hearth,
sinks and pools idly The second 'something' had me humming Beatle's music. I'm confused here - is it the something that smells like a cold hearth, or the air?
between the waiting stones;
between the patient stones, the stubborn stones, the constant stones, The abstract terms here don't work as well as the 'naming' terms for the leaves in the first stanza
that lie unburied on the steady ground. I'm beginning to overload on adjectives by now.
I reach out my hand, but do not touch,
close to the chill earth;
over the place where no warm rustle is; don't like the inversion of word order here
over the lost leaves, the gold leaves, the heavy leaves,
that lie unmoved on the enduring stones. I'm wondering just what the anaphora is for, whether this verse could vanish without damaging the poem
I bow my head, but not to the weight of pain,
downward to the unseen track beneath the leaves,
downward to the unfelt rustle of warmth,
downward to the unburied patience of the stones, Don't like 'downward' - not sure why not. I feel I'm being hit over the head with it.
and feel the cold and stubborn kindness of the turning earth. This line 'clicks' like a key turning in a lock. very strong. I'd lose 'turning', and I'd take out a lot more of your abstract adjectives too.
[/quote
Revision 1:
Something in my chest, that smells like my raw heart,
(OR) tastes like my old tears, (Pick one?) This line bothers me - for me the sense of smell is in my nose, and of taste is in my mouth. Something in my chest [b]that smells and tastes just doesn't work for me.
[/b]twists and slides quietly
under the fallen leaves;
under the aspen leaves, the cherry leaves, the apple leaves, I like the particulars
that lie still over the red stones. nice sonics
Something in the air, that smells like a cold hearth,
sinks and pools idly The second 'something' had me humming Beatle's music. I'm confused here - is it the something that smells like a cold hearth, or the air?
between the waiting stones;
between the patient stones, the stubborn stones, the constant stones, The abstract terms here don't work as well as the 'naming' terms for the leaves in the first stanza
that lie unburied on the steady ground. I'm beginning to overload on adjectives by now.
I reach out my hand, but do not touch,
close to the chill earth;
over the place where no warm rustle is; don't like the inversion of word order here
over the lost leaves, the gold leaves, the heavy leaves,
that lie unmoved on the enduring stones. I'm wondering just what the anaphora is for, whether this verse could vanish without damaging the poem
I bow my head, but not to the weight of pain,
downward to the unseen track beneath the leaves,
downward to the unfelt rustle of warmth,
downward to the unburied patience of the stones, Don't like 'downward' - not sure why not. I feel I'm being hit over the head with it.
and feel the cold and stubborn kindness of the turning earth. This line 'clicks' like a key turning in a lock. very strong. I'd lose 'turning', and I'd take out a lot more of your abstract adjectives too.
[/quote