Blackout

[Pyxx]

Reading by firelight
in a huddle of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly over the storm;
outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and give me your thoughts guys. I agree about the word "outside", but when I cut it and start the next sentence with snow, something just doesn't seem right to me. I have made a little change though, and cut "sound".

I don't mean to critique a critique, but I don't really know what you mean by "written expression" Pyxx. If you could be more specific, it would help me understand what you find lacking. I do sort of understand what you could mean, as I wasn't really trying to "express" anything with this poem - more just create an image that encapsulates a feeling instead of specifically trying to express something. Of course, it could just mean "I think this sucks" which is fine, but I'd like to know why you think it sucks if possible.

Hi,

I have to go out soon and as such I don't really have enough time to elaborate on the questions you have, just yet. I really just wanted to say that I do not think that 'your work sucks'. If anything I think that using this word to 'critique' another persons work has negative connotations and is also probably not very conducive to their improvement or self confidence. Constructive criticism is just this, criticism that is also constructive.

A constructive critique offers advice to the author on things that may improve a work. I speak for myself when I say that  constructive criticism appears to be a possible foundation for any aspiring poet, artist, musician, to learn from and improve. Remember I am a novice here too and I feel that the critiques I have received have helped me to improve my own work, hopefully ^_^

Anyway, merely stating that someone's 'work sux' offers little reason or insight as to how a work could be improved and is definitively not constructive, if anything, it's probably a little mean, too. I was merely attempting to go through your work line through line and offer advice...

I will definitely get back to your questions and elaborate further to the best of my ability.   

I agree for the most part, constructive criticism is definitely the key. I don't think you necessarily have to say "this could be improved by x, y, and z" however. I think the best critiques are just detailed, honest reactions to a poem; if you think something is terrible, it doesn't do anyone any good for you to tell them otherwise.

For instance, while "I think this stanza sucks." isn't useful to a writer, "I think this stanza sucks, because the first line is a cliche, you use "I" five times over three lines, and I knew that "fly" would rhyme with "sky" before even starting the last line" could most definitely be useful if it makes them think about their work in a new light.

I was just wondering what the "because" was for the written expression part of your critique. All the best, WJ

Hi,

I have previously said I'm still a newb here so feel free to 'crit the crit', its all good   I could be wrong with my critique and these examples anyway, perhaps I am reading this work the wrong way, like in the context of creative writing instead of poetry. Maybe there are two different ways to critique creative writing and poetry however the Pigpen requests that everyone critique. So here goes, one detailed critique by a newb at your request. Yep. I think that was what I was trying to elaborate on in reference to written expression...for example, instead of writing:

"I look out onto the horizon of a post-apocalyptic city. "

...its could also be written

"I stare out past a haphazard tumble of debris; steel pokes through broken slabs of concrete and twisted monoliths scrape the sky like splintered finger bones"


But this is an example of creative writing not poetry, unfortunately creative writing is the only example I can provide as I don't have as lot of experience here. Anyway, does this answer your question about imagery? On the subject of writing, when I was studying our teachers would always ask us what it was that we wanted to write. Short story, poetry Haiku? When I was studying....and this advice may be incorrect and dependent on location, like where you live in the world and stuff.  In class the teacher would say with creative writing 'show, don't tell'. We were also asked to consider what it was that we were trying to say about our characters and the world they inhabit.... 

For example what is it that you are trying to convey with the bears in the cave? Maybe your story is about family, how would you tie the family and the bears together?

With:

Outside, snow and wind tangle,
grids of power into knots of wire.

It may be possible to refer to the things that are outside as a means for the audience to establish that what you have written about is happening outside to move the perspective of the story to the outside of the cottage. How could this be done? Perhaps consider the surroundings. I think your work takes place in a small village. Are there houses or is it in a place with a small clearing?

I don't traditionally write poetry...anyway I just kinda like "in a huddle of blankets" instead of "in a huddled mass of blankets"  but its your work n'stufffff.
In response to your question about rhyme. From other critiques on this forum and discussion on using rhyme techniques "I" 'fly' 'sky'  is apparently not a good way to move through a poem, but I think you have already mentioned this.


Written quickly. Its rough but, all my stuff is, my muse really did run screaming. Just an idea of how to move the perspective from an indoor setting to an outdoor one by using the environment and perhaps to also tie the bears in, with the family. In class we had assessments where we would try to provide feedback on our classmates work too, I have seen some suggestions in the forum that do this also so perhaps it's all good. This was the kind of stuff we did in class for assessment, btw.



At small cottage near the edge of town.
In a huddle of blankets;
a family reads by firelight.
The dogs yawn echos quietly over the storms howl/sound.
 
The moon rises high into the night,
forest pines bow to bedrock.
Wind and snow tangle;
grids of power into wire knots.
 
In a deep cave not too far away,
bears cuddle.
Sleeping;
till summer breaks the day.



Feel free to slap me for crappy use of, "punctuation". Anyway I think I have already said, I am still a newb, lol. The expression 'take everything with a grain of salt', comes to mind. I have never seen snow, indoors or otherwise, btw. So this should give you an idea of how much I actually know about this cold white stuff you write about, see 'grain of salt'. ^_^