12-23-2014, 12:40 PM
yeah, the edit fixes the problem with the punctuation. But in the original version that wasn't clear.
If your entent wasn't to label all men as predators, then I suggested editing this part:
Based on that, It sounds like you are saying all men are predators.
All the men in the hole glared at her. Men all around stared at her. They acted like spiders to prey gawking at the young girl. She activated a "cortical reflex" in their "predator brains."
I mean, thats how I read it.
If your entent wasn't to label all men as predators, then I suggested editing this part:
(12-22-2014, 04:03 AM)just mercedes Wrote: A young girl, limping
Three men working
...
all look up at once,
gazes locked on her,
....alerted some cortical reflex
in the predator brain.
Around her, men turn to stare
Based on that, It sounds like you are saying all men are predators.
All the men in the hole glared at her. Men all around stared at her. They acted like spiders to prey gawking at the young girl. She activated a "cortical reflex" in their "predator brains."
I mean, thats how I read it.