12-23-2014, 03:03 AM
Excellent!
Quibbles only....
I don't like "limps" in the title, she's not injured as the word implies. Break out the thesaurus.
Typo alert, somebody else caught it. The image of "inches-thick" is arresting, but the way the line scans, or the rhythm, or something (!) is difficult. As a single example, I don't like it, but I had a thought that you might be able to use it to imitate the rhythm of her walk in the actual scansion of the poem. You'd have to add a lot more awkward rhythms, and I'm not at all sure that it would improve the poem. It's a thought though.
Too many "all"s in the second stanza.
Consider changing the comma after "animal" to a colon or semi colon.
How about "all around her" instead of "all around me"? You have already placed yourself as present in the scene.
The "cortical reflex" is just perfect.
Quibbles only....
I don't like "limps" in the title, she's not injured as the word implies. Break out the thesaurus.
Typo alert, somebody else caught it. The image of "inches-thick" is arresting, but the way the line scans, or the rhythm, or something (!) is difficult. As a single example, I don't like it, but I had a thought that you might be able to use it to imitate the rhythm of her walk in the actual scansion of the poem. You'd have to add a lot more awkward rhythms, and I'm not at all sure that it would improve the poem. It's a thought though.
Too many "all"s in the second stanza.
Consider changing the comma after "animal" to a colon or semi colon.
How about "all around her" instead of "all around me"? You have already placed yourself as present in the scene.
The "cortical reflex" is just perfect.