a young girl, limping edit #1

[tectak]

a young girl limps
 
 
along the city street towards me
all legs and wobbly ankles, like a foal
new-born;
her sandals, with their inches-think soles
of clunky wood
almost hobble her, so her steps are tiny
and she teeters at the start of each one,
testing the surface
 
three men working in a hole in the road
all look up at once, all gazes locked
on her, their web of wires ignored
 
her walk mimics
a wounded animal, has alerted
some cortical reflex in the predator brain
 
all around me, men turn to stare
 
and they’re all spiders, tensed
to watch the butterfly with damp wings
struggle against the surface
 

Hi merc,
everything that can be said has been...but though mentioned a couple of times I think you should take credit for concept if not for execution.
How many times is the same advice given....read your own work OUT LOUD, or better still, ask someone else to do so...and LISTEN.
Punctuation by pensive pursuit only works for the writer....line breaks and gappy stanzas and missing periods leave the reader flailing about for meaning because unknown rules are no rules at all.
Consider:

her walk mimics
a wounded animal, has alerted
some cortical reflex in the predator brain

Just read it....out loud. Where the hell do I pause at close of clause? What "has alerted some..."? Why does a mouse when it spins? If you had just read it through you would immediately see/hear:

"Her walk, mimicking a wounded animal,
has alerted some cortical reflex in the predator's brain."

OK. Some may argue physiology/ psychology but we are talking GRAMMAR here. This is Serious Workshopping. You, yes you, are supposed to put in the squiggly marks, check syntax, apostrophes....dare I say it, spelling for Pete's sake. Think-soled shoes indeed....but you know all this. Does that make it better or worse?
I love the concept, the cameo observations and even your peregrinations into relatively esoteric territory....but without loading the barrow too much, you would find it easier to carry off the load if you structured it and tied it up with more care.
That is all....and a very Merry Christmas,
Best,
tectak

---

Where is punctuation missing? And what generalization did you read in the poem, please?
Predators can be trapped by their imperatives, just as we all are.

Oh - the 'along' is in there for the meter as well as for repeated 'l' sounds.

I cannot, in my wildest and most atavistic moments, imagine what it is like being trapped by my "imperatives"
What DO you mean? I really want to know!
Best,
tectak