12-22-2014, 04:06 PM
JM,
I give some examples here to illustrate what I mean, these are not suggestions about how this poem should be written, it just happens with this particular poem, it is the easiest way for me to critique the poem. You are of course perfectly able to ignore anything I say. I only wish to give you so alternate ideas. I think this is a very good idea, but I don't think you have brought it to fruition yet. Personally I would like it If you used capitals and periods to denote sentences, it makes it much easier to read and not doing so does not seem to benefit the poem in anyway, same with the large amount of white space. I saw where you were responding to someone about the meter which I find confusing. I see a few feet of iambic here and there, but nothing consistent. I noticed only one end rhyme, and no internal rhymes, although some could have gotten by me. The point is I am not treating this as a formal format, as meter not rhyme seem to play no part in moving the poem along.
On to the poem.
I think that the disembodied narrator perspective would be enough. When the "me" viewpoint is interjected it confuses the subject. As you only use it twice, it does little for the poem, and could easily be written out.
along the city street she walks
all legs and wobbly ankles, like a foal
new-born; (I would probably reverse the order to new-born foal, although new-born is probably redundant, as foal means within the first year, and generally implies recently born.)
"some cortical reflex in the predator brain
men turn to stare
and they’re all spiders"
If you insists on keeping the "me" in this maybe add some necessary verbs:
"along the city street coming towards me..." I'm all for terseness, but not at the sake of readability.
"inches-think soles" Do you mean "inches-thick"?
"almost hobble her" consider "nearly" instead of "almost".
Perhaps drop the first "and", seems to read smoother.
"so her steps are tiny;
she teeters at the start of each step,
testing the surface Does this line need to be here. What does it add to the poem. It does not really seem to extend the
of the sentence. It simply act as a dependent clause that has little to do with the sentence it is attached to.
"three men working in a hole in the road
all look up at once, all gazes locked
on her, their web of wires ignored"
possibly "they look up, gazes locked on her, their web of wires ignored."
I see how you are using web to dovetail with spiders at the end, very clever. I'm not quite sure you pull it off, but a clever idea.
"her walk mimics
a wounded animal, has alerted
some cortical reflex in the predator brain"
This appears to be an ungrammatical sentences? You can say "her walk has alerted", but not "mimics a wounded animal has alerted".
You could say, "her walk, which mimics a wounded animal has alerted..."
"some cortical reflex in the predator brain" --> "a cortical reflex in their predators' brain"
"all around me, men turn to stare" this seems almost redundant. I understand that it first was three men, and now it is more men, but I'm not really sure that, that is a worthwhile point to make.
and they’re all spiders, tensed
to watch the butterfly with damp wings
struggle against the surface" I think this could be rephrased in a better way to up the readability. It would help if one knew where your sentences are.
Just an example, not a suggestion:
...cortical reflex in their predators' brain,
spiders, staring, tense,watching this butterfly
with damp wings struggle against the uneven surface.
Well that's my two cents,
Dale
I give some examples here to illustrate what I mean, these are not suggestions about how this poem should be written, it just happens with this particular poem, it is the easiest way for me to critique the poem. You are of course perfectly able to ignore anything I say. I only wish to give you so alternate ideas. I think this is a very good idea, but I don't think you have brought it to fruition yet. Personally I would like it If you used capitals and periods to denote sentences, it makes it much easier to read and not doing so does not seem to benefit the poem in anyway, same with the large amount of white space. I saw where you were responding to someone about the meter which I find confusing. I see a few feet of iambic here and there, but nothing consistent. I noticed only one end rhyme, and no internal rhymes, although some could have gotten by me. The point is I am not treating this as a formal format, as meter not rhyme seem to play no part in moving the poem along.
On to the poem.
I think that the disembodied narrator perspective would be enough. When the "me" viewpoint is interjected it confuses the subject. As you only use it twice, it does little for the poem, and could easily be written out.
along the city street she walks
all legs and wobbly ankles, like a foal
new-born; (I would probably reverse the order to new-born foal, although new-born is probably redundant, as foal means within the first year, and generally implies recently born.)
"some cortical reflex in the predator brain
men turn to stare
and they’re all spiders"
If you insists on keeping the "me" in this maybe add some necessary verbs:
"along the city street coming towards me..." I'm all for terseness, but not at the sake of readability.
"inches-think soles" Do you mean "inches-thick"?
"almost hobble her" consider "nearly" instead of "almost".
Perhaps drop the first "and", seems to read smoother.
"so her steps are tiny;
she teeters at the start of each step,
testing the surface Does this line need to be here. What does it add to the poem. It does not really seem to extend the
of the sentence. It simply act as a dependent clause that has little to do with the sentence it is attached to.
"three men working in a hole in the road
all look up at once, all gazes locked
on her, their web of wires ignored"
possibly "they look up, gazes locked on her, their web of wires ignored."
I see how you are using web to dovetail with spiders at the end, very clever. I'm not quite sure you pull it off, but a clever idea.
"her walk mimics
a wounded animal, has alerted
some cortical reflex in the predator brain"
This appears to be an ungrammatical sentences? You can say "her walk has alerted", but not "mimics a wounded animal has alerted".
You could say, "her walk, which mimics a wounded animal has alerted..."
"some cortical reflex in the predator brain" --> "a cortical reflex in their predators' brain"
"all around me, men turn to stare" this seems almost redundant. I understand that it first was three men, and now it is more men, but I'm not really sure that, that is a worthwhile point to make.
and they’re all spiders, tensed
to watch the butterfly with damp wings
struggle against the surface" I think this could be rephrased in a better way to up the readability. It would help if one knew where your sentences are.
Just an example, not a suggestion:
...cortical reflex in their predators' brain,
spiders, staring, tense,watching this butterfly
with damp wings struggle against the uneven surface.
Well that's my two cents,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.