12-21-2014, 03:59 AM
Is she crying? If so why? Crying and dancing.......intriguing.
Find another adjective besides "grass" to go with green.
I'm thinking most of your meter was accidental. Time to start counting syllables and accents!
I like the line about her being like the cold dawn wind, but I think you could go ahead and say "blows" instead of "speaks".
I love the line about her teeth. Lovers seldom think teeth are praiseworthy, and it's definitely an arresting image.
I like "tempoed twirl" also. I think "tempo'd" would be better grammatically, though.
In the first line the meter is thus:
ta DUM DUM, ta DUM ta ta DUM ta DUM DUM. Tough meter to stick with! It's also very catchy, rhythm-wise, and puts your poem at risk of becoming doggerel, which doesn't fit your theme.....or does it? Keep working on it, it's worth it!
Find another adjective besides "grass" to go with green.
I'm thinking most of your meter was accidental. Time to start counting syllables and accents!
I like the line about her being like the cold dawn wind, but I think you could go ahead and say "blows" instead of "speaks".
I love the line about her teeth. Lovers seldom think teeth are praiseworthy, and it's definitely an arresting image.
I like "tempoed twirl" also. I think "tempo'd" would be better grammatically, though.
In the first line the meter is thus:
ta DUM DUM, ta DUM ta ta DUM ta DUM DUM. Tough meter to stick with! It's also very catchy, rhythm-wise, and puts your poem at risk of becoming doggerel, which doesn't fit your theme.....or does it? Keep working on it, it's worth it!