12-21-2014, 02:36 AM
You have two stories here, both of which are woefully undertold. First, the lonely woman making pets of rats (squirrels? raccoons? possums?) in her attic. Second, the now-prayerful alcoholic, sunk into poverty, walking past seductive temptation on the way to buy potatoes and aspirin. Either would make a good poem. Pick one.
"Droll" means humorous in a light and insignificant way. I assume that is not what you meant.
Your best image is "the muffled crumple of snow"! I also like "walking crookedly;" "dusted memories;" and "stacked, stained works of fiction." Is she a hoarder? If so, give us a more detailed image.
I'm not so sure about the "melody" of the guests, but if you are going to stick with it, you need to develop it more. How did she hum along, eh? I see her sitting in her dingy kitchen squeaking like a rat.....?
Go back and take time to describe the details. You have the right idea, but you can't just whip out adjectives from the bargain grab bag.
"Droll" means humorous in a light and insignificant way. I assume that is not what you meant.
Your best image is "the muffled crumple of snow"! I also like "walking crookedly;" "dusted memories;" and "stacked, stained works of fiction." Is she a hoarder? If so, give us a more detailed image.
I'm not so sure about the "melody" of the guests, but if you are going to stick with it, you need to develop it more. How did she hum along, eh? I see her sitting in her dingy kitchen squeaking like a rat.....?
Go back and take time to describe the details. You have the right idea, but you can't just whip out adjectives from the bargain grab bag.