12-21-2014, 02:16 AM
It is quite vivid.
L7 bothers me with the phrase "fear slipped words". If it is for fear that slipped words will tell secrets, then replace "some" with "will," so it reads "for fear slipped words will secrets tell;". I think it's the fault of that pernicious word reversal again. Every workshop I've ever been to says to avoid word-order reversals and anachronisms. I like some anachronisms because they preserve the richness of the language, but by-and-large, I agree. Reversing the words (example: "Happily she on the ice skates," and pretentiously, "My love with his words me wounds.") will get you into trouble every time.
Why are your lover's eyes "sky-high"? I got the sense that he or she is above you in an intimate sexual encounter, but that sense developed gradually through the poem, and since the phrase occurs at the very beginning, I think you should decide if you intend the reader to work the meaning out gradually as they read the poem, or not. I love the "holes in crumpled silver foil."
More crit later, I must be off now.
L7 bothers me with the phrase "fear slipped words". If it is for fear that slipped words will tell secrets, then replace "some" with "will," so it reads "for fear slipped words will secrets tell;". I think it's the fault of that pernicious word reversal again. Every workshop I've ever been to says to avoid word-order reversals and anachronisms. I like some anachronisms because they preserve the richness of the language, but by-and-large, I agree. Reversing the words (example: "Happily she on the ice skates," and pretentiously, "My love with his words me wounds.") will get you into trouble every time.
Why are your lover's eyes "sky-high"? I got the sense that he or she is above you in an intimate sexual encounter, but that sense developed gradually through the poem, and since the phrase occurs at the very beginning, I think you should decide if you intend the reader to work the meaning out gradually as they read the poem, or not. I love the "holes in crumpled silver foil."
More crit later, I must be off now.