12-20-2014, 07:08 AM
First, a little house cleaning. Please do not capitalize the start of every line, it creates confusion, and makes the poem difficult to read. Such affectations went out in the 1950's, and for good reason. If you can give a good rationale to capitalize the start of each line I would be glad to hear it. Because it looks more poetic is not a worthy justification.
On to the poem. I don't know if I can help with the edit, I can point out some possibly problematic things, which you are free to reject. I try to give a rationale for why I think they are a problem.
"like lucid dreaming in hell"
This just seems awkward as hell (no pun intended). To say you are lucid dreaming in hell means that is where your body is while your mind is experiencing lucid dreaming. Plus it is juxtaposed to the line "Awake in the flame" as though that is meant to say something more than just the normal "in flames" as there is rarely just one. So the reader will think you are making a point about it being a single flame, but nothing that follows indicates that the statement has much import. maybe I'm dense but I do not see how
"Awake in the flame" is like "lucid dreaming in hell". How is that?
"Intoxicating, a fragrance folded within thoughts"
"Intoxicating" is not a noun, but here you are attempting to use it as one. The way that this is written is the word "Intoxicating" defined as: a fragrance folded within thoughts. That may make some kind of sense to you, it makes little to me.
Nor do I see how that relates to the next line:
"Sweet torment she won't let go of."
what exactly is the "sweet torment" and where did "she" come from?
Is "sweet torment" "a fragrance folded within thoughts"? I suppose one could say it is sweet, but certainly not a torment. I'm confused.
Sorry, I think I will stop there. The rest seems more of the same. Most of these phrases make no sense, OK one last one, they're like potato chips. Please answer me this, what is:
"a desperate sightlessness surrounds?" A desperate tastelessness surrounds.
As "sightlessness" is the noun form of the word "sightless", I am having a difficult time making sense out of this. Of course if you were using the adjectival for it, I doubt it would make much difference.
You have these phrases that might be good if you had something around them that made them make sense. You don't. It's as though you went and found pithy little sayings and very loosely stitched them together to form this poem. Of course some are just plays on a theme.
"demons in saints' clothes"
"wolf in a lamb's skin"
I've read through this several times, and still I have no idea what the role of "she" is, or even who "she" is, or why "she" is in the poem.
Maybe you'll get more helpful suggestion from others.
Dale
On to the poem. I don't know if I can help with the edit, I can point out some possibly problematic things, which you are free to reject. I try to give a rationale for why I think they are a problem.
"like lucid dreaming in hell"
This just seems awkward as hell (no pun intended). To say you are lucid dreaming in hell means that is where your body is while your mind is experiencing lucid dreaming. Plus it is juxtaposed to the line "Awake in the flame" as though that is meant to say something more than just the normal "in flames" as there is rarely just one. So the reader will think you are making a point about it being a single flame, but nothing that follows indicates that the statement has much import. maybe I'm dense but I do not see how
"Awake in the flame" is like "lucid dreaming in hell". How is that?
"Intoxicating, a fragrance folded within thoughts"
"Intoxicating" is not a noun, but here you are attempting to use it as one. The way that this is written is the word "Intoxicating" defined as: a fragrance folded within thoughts. That may make some kind of sense to you, it makes little to me.
Nor do I see how that relates to the next line:
"Sweet torment she won't let go of."
what exactly is the "sweet torment" and where did "she" come from?
Is "sweet torment" "a fragrance folded within thoughts"? I suppose one could say it is sweet, but certainly not a torment. I'm confused.
Sorry, I think I will stop there. The rest seems more of the same. Most of these phrases make no sense, OK one last one, they're like potato chips. Please answer me this, what is:
"a desperate sightlessness surrounds?" A desperate tastelessness surrounds.
As "sightlessness" is the noun form of the word "sightless", I am having a difficult time making sense out of this. Of course if you were using the adjectival for it, I doubt it would make much difference.
You have these phrases that might be good if you had something around them that made them make sense. You don't. It's as though you went and found pithy little sayings and very loosely stitched them together to form this poem. Of course some are just plays on a theme.
"demons in saints' clothes"
"wolf in a lamb's skin"
I've read through this several times, and still I have no idea what the role of "she" is, or even who "she" is, or why "she" is in the poem.
Maybe you'll get more helpful suggestion from others.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.