A Shot Of Loneliness

[ellajam]

I like a slice of life poem that makes me consider something I might not have before. I think there is work you can do here to make it more powerful. I think S1 is your downfall, the long and confusing (for me) sentences set the wrong note.

I think you have missed some opportunities for interesting breaks throughout. I'll try to give you an idea of what I saw here.

The dimly lit room overgrown with dusted memories
she wasn't able to let go of never provided
much warmth or company.  Stacked stained
works of fiction fenced in her thoughts upon
the better lives of friends she accumulated.
She was content to keep her past restrained.
Clean but cluttered comes across but I think you need to choose whether the room or memories had no warmth. If both you need to make it clearer. Maybe drop either warmth or company and use one of them as a break. I would also drop "Stacked" or add an "and", I like the break on stained. "Thoughts upon" is bad, say it some other way. I like the breaks on accumulated and restrained, though maybe you could bring it into the present.

The cold droll of fall had crept through Is droll what you meant? I couldn't make it fit. I'd break on crept
overnight, and although her life left
her numb she still sensed urgency
in her attic as new guests scratched You might bring "and gnawed" up
and gnawed a winter nest from her
house's cables, insulation, and vents. I'd drop "house's".

The shrieks and squeals of guests
concealed gave her comfort and conversation You might lift up concealed, and again, bring it into the present.
she had always wanted. She tried her best
to be a gracious host; desperate to maintain I'd like a break on "gracious".
the melody of life her new friends offered.
She was grateful just to hum along.  

On particularly cold nights she could hear Maybe bring up "threatening".
the threatening howl of northeastern wind
whipping past doors her guests had made
in the eves of her attic. She would gently lift away
the attic door to let her warmth rise to the attic;
providing comfort to her most trusted companions.

Every evening after prayer she would force Nice break.
herself away from the safety of family and home.
She would timidly greet a world of sneers
while walking crookedly to the corner store
where she could retrieve the bare essentials:
yellow potatoes, aspirin tablets, and a packet of peanuts. I like the list, great insight here.

Walking back past the pawnshop she would hear
drunken laughter and thumping music tumbling out I might break on "drunken" and "tumbling", they go well together.
of a nearby bar which at one time she frequented Weak break.
religiously. The muffled crumple of snow beneath I like "muffled crumple".
her feet helped set the pace past the danger lurking
behind the bar's luring entrance. Sometimes she fell behind. Lurking and luring are nice, I might drop down the last sentence, I like it.

Overall I think there's a bit of a disconnect between the language and the lady. I think if you try a little harder to put yourself in her place instead of being the detached observer the language might match the situation better and the poem would be more effective.

I hope some of this helps.