Blackout

[Pyxx]

Edit 1:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.

I think that this work could flow better...

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.

In my opinion there could be something more tangle to tie this line together and this piece starts off a little rough. This work could use more creative written expression to better provoke a visual response from the audience reading it. I like the highlighted line;

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.

The first and last lines of this work lack creativity and written expression, this does not do justice to it.

The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.


'the sound of the storm', perhaps a word that better evokes what a storm sounds like?

Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire

I'm not sure if the word 'Outside' is necessary. I found it distracting.  It may be possible to have a sentence prior to this as a lead in, that allows the reader to make the connection that this is occurring outside, however I like the images your words evoke in this part of the piece.

In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

This last line is problematic as it provides little written expression and as such leaves the reader to guess the rest, both tangibly and visually. It is also not in keeping with the parts of the work that do use written expression. I agree with other critiques, the last lines end prematurely, like a interrupted sentence, its a little jarring. I feel that there is still a lot of work to be done to it. It does read better after the edit. Using more written expression throughout the rest of the work would make it stronger. This work has promise, don't stop writing.