12-17-2014, 03:20 AM
Excellent. I enjoy brief poems. One suggestion: perhaps change it to
"a father's cheek"
from
"the father's cheek"
But maybe not. Then it's a tear and a father. Maybe my father? Hmmm. Just that little portion there that sticks out a bit. Other than that, very well done.
Edit:
After reading some of the comments, the father is apparently a reference to God? OK, I like that. I definitely agree that if you were to capitalize father, it would be more obvious without changing any of the syntax. In other words, you could have a nice double reference without being too blatantly obvious; the reader knows what you're talking about, and understands both sides of the story.
-BW
"a father's cheek"
from
"the father's cheek"
But maybe not. Then it's a tear and a father. Maybe my father? Hmmm. Just that little portion there that sticks out a bit. Other than that, very well done.
Edit:
After reading some of the comments, the father is apparently a reference to God? OK, I like that. I definitely agree that if you were to capitalize father, it would be more obvious without changing any of the syntax. In other words, you could have a nice double reference without being too blatantly obvious; the reader knows what you're talking about, and understands both sides of the story.
-BW