12-17-2014, 01:04 AM
Kind of a reiteration of what others have said...I'd like more conceptual clues within the poem personally. Ambiguity can be a strong stylistic tool, but you don't want to leave your readers in the dark either.
Shameless, mindless appetites
feasting on sensual flesh [great way to start, strong and evocative]
wet and hard the blood and bone
these animals lick and suck with longing. [did not enjoy this second portion, word choice is a little bland, I wanted something to take me further into the idea you opened with]
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are–
those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge
defying our loving Garden birth
denying our indelible double helixes. [love your word choice and imagery here, but I'm confused with the contrasts you're making, it seems like maybe you're suggesting a disconnect between science and religion, but seem to side with neither, or your subject does at least]
This is our world without hunger:
there are no famines for those who never eat
tasting lips yields no flavor
delicious games produce no favors. [The second half of this is a little awkward to read, but I really like this section, don't have too much here]
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation
fingering with only sweet, candied strokes
content with inner ecstasy
living without gluttony. [I really enjoyed this section, but I can't say I think it's a particularly strong closer; I feel like it isn't a wonderful way to conclude]
Shameless, mindless appetites
feasting on sensual flesh [great way to start, strong and evocative]
wet and hard the blood and bone
these animals lick and suck with longing. [did not enjoy this second portion, word choice is a little bland, I wanted something to take me further into the idea you opened with]
A stark contrast the Cold Ones are–
those who refuse the fruit of carnal knowledge
defying our loving Garden birth
denying our indelible double helixes. [love your word choice and imagery here, but I'm confused with the contrasts you're making, it seems like maybe you're suggesting a disconnect between science and religion, but seem to side with neither, or your subject does at least]
This is our world without hunger:
there are no famines for those who never eat
tasting lips yields no flavor
delicious games produce no favors. [The second half of this is a little awkward to read, but I really like this section, don't have too much here]
They sleep in self-inflicted starvation
fingering with only sweet, candied strokes
content with inner ecstasy
living without gluttony. [I really enjoyed this section, but I can't say I think it's a particularly strong closer; I feel like it isn't a wonderful way to conclude]