12-16-2014, 04:30 AM
New to Pigpen, posting obligatory critiques before posting....
I have to say, I can't figure out this poem at all.
The most important question I think is "Who the hell are the Cold Ones?" It's in the title, and in the main text as well. The next question is what is this poem about. I hate to say this, but the words you use have to make sense. I've found it useful to actually look at the dictionary meaning.
So Line by line:
L1 whose appetites?
L2 sensual flesh...what's that? Cyrus twerking?
L3 so the most important characteristic of blood is that it is wet, and bone that it is hard? Best you can do?
L4 what animal is that?
L5 stark contrast to what? unidentified animals sucking things?
L6 what is the fruit of carnal knowledge...offspring?
L7 help!
L8 DNA?
L9 what's "this"?
L10 so?
L11 who, what, where, WHY? (who's tasting, whose lips (they suddenly appeared in the Garden or fell out of the twisting helix, I guess) and then there's the question of plurals...if a singular person is tasting multiple lips your usage is correct, but I'm so confused by now, I don't care any more.
L12 Why not? were they supposed to?
L13 what does sleeping have to do with hunger strikes?
L14 your only decent imagery left me with the desire to wash the sticky residue off.
L15 in my experience ecstasy bears no resemblance to contentment.
L16 Definitely leaves me hanging. The last line ought to resolve. This line makes me clutch my temples.
I deliberately critiqued before reading the other critiques. I am delighted at your responses. I think you've been reading bad poetry. May I suggest a book compiled by Garrison Keillor called "Good Poems"? Speaking from experience, Asexuals are not "cold." My top recommendation would be to speak personally and vividly in your poetry, by using language with enthusiasm and precision. Convey your feelings through concise imagery and make every word count. If you are identifying with asexuality then do you think of yourself as a Cold One? Make us believe it. My feet are cold right now and it is very unpleasant. Ask yourself what are the common associations with "cold" and are those associations what you really want to evoke?
I have to say, I can't figure out this poem at all.
The most important question I think is "Who the hell are the Cold Ones?" It's in the title, and in the main text as well. The next question is what is this poem about. I hate to say this, but the words you use have to make sense. I've found it useful to actually look at the dictionary meaning.
So Line by line:
L1 whose appetites?
L2 sensual flesh...what's that? Cyrus twerking?
L3 so the most important characteristic of blood is that it is wet, and bone that it is hard? Best you can do?
L4 what animal is that?
L5 stark contrast to what? unidentified animals sucking things?
L6 what is the fruit of carnal knowledge...offspring?
L7 help!
L8 DNA?
L9 what's "this"?
L10 so?
L11 who, what, where, WHY? (who's tasting, whose lips (they suddenly appeared in the Garden or fell out of the twisting helix, I guess) and then there's the question of plurals...if a singular person is tasting multiple lips your usage is correct, but I'm so confused by now, I don't care any more.
L12 Why not? were they supposed to?
L13 what does sleeping have to do with hunger strikes?
L14 your only decent imagery left me with the desire to wash the sticky residue off.
L15 in my experience ecstasy bears no resemblance to contentment.
L16 Definitely leaves me hanging. The last line ought to resolve. This line makes me clutch my temples.
I deliberately critiqued before reading the other critiques. I am delighted at your responses. I think you've been reading bad poetry. May I suggest a book compiled by Garrison Keillor called "Good Poems"? Speaking from experience, Asexuals are not "cold." My top recommendation would be to speak personally and vividly in your poetry, by using language with enthusiasm and precision. Convey your feelings through concise imagery and make every word count. If you are identifying with asexuality then do you think of yourself as a Cold One? Make us believe it. My feet are cold right now and it is very unpleasant. Ask yourself what are the common associations with "cold" and are those associations what you really want to evoke?